Goals for 2013

As new years eve approaches, I've started thinking about what I want from myself and for myself for the year.

1. I'd like to maintain the level of creativity and art that I've introduced into my life in 2012. We plan to continue our monthly calendar scrapbook night so that will help. I also bought a sewing machine off a friend for $40 so I'm hoping to develop my VERY amateur skills with a few Pinterest inspired projects.

2. This is the year that I develop myself as a writer who finds a way to get paid. While I enjoyed my time learning in Primerica and helping my friends and family, it's just not my passion - passion. Im fairly certain I will maintain my license so that I can continue to help people and ourselves but it's not in me to be the salesperson I need to be. I have to admit that I might not function well without "real" deadlines and pressure. I can work without supervision but I still need parameters. For example, if I have a steady workload with routine deadlines, I don't need anyone checking up on me. But if I have to continually seek out work, well I think my 3 attempts at home business has proven how well that works for me. Very short term success.

That being said, I have thoroughly enjoyed the luxury of not having a steady job and I don't know how well I would adapt to punching a clock everyday. But I love earning money, it really adds to my feeling of self worth. I have some exploring to do!

3. My third and probably most important goal, is to become the mom I really want to be vs the mom I feel like I should be. New mom is loving, patient, kind, fosters learning, fun but also disciple. Wish me luck!

2012 Resolutions

Apparently I didn't blog my resolutions for the year because I can't find them. I think I must have posted them on Facebook but I also any find that!

The two resolutions I remember, were:
1. Take more pictures with my camera instead of the iPhone, and
2. Take time to be more creative.

While I did take more pics with the camera, I think i overall took less pictures. So an improvement in one way but a disappointment in others.

I think I did very well with the creative time resolution. I had a dedicated night each month to do a 'calendar scrapbook' with friends that was an awesome addition to my life. The company of people is great (we even did a scrapbook trip to Calgary together in October), and I got my 2012 year scrapbooked while I was at it.

My friend Siân and I both took a "Brave Girls Art Class" online in August/September which I loved! I also has several successful homemade gifts I made for Christmas. I am so proud of how most of them turned out :-)

Next up, what are my goals for 2013?

25 Rules for Moms of Boys

I came across this blogger's list tonight & I thought it was beautiful. Enjoy!

25 Rules for Mothers of Sons

Been Emotional

For the last, oh I don't know, maybe month or so, I've been thinking about Wentworth more, focusing on the loss a lot more and just generally being sad about it. It's been mentioned to me that perhaps its because his birthday (or do I call it his death anniversary) is coming up. That could be it I suppose, but that seems too literal.

Thinking about it now, it could be the holiday season that has me in this frame of mind. I didn't anticipate "being over" the loss, but I had hoped to at least be prego by now so that I could stop feeling the hole so much. There are a few babies in my life that make me ache in different ways. One friend has such a beautiful outlook with her babe, laughing off such hardships as multiple night times wakes, and genuinely bursting with love for her baby. It's that authentic, pure happiness that I am jealous of - especially so as I know even if I had a 'normal' experience with Wentworth that probably wouldn't be me. I'm too sarcastic and tainted. ;-)

My other ache, is a negative one. It stems from my BIL and his baby mama with their new babe. Their (somewhat) innocent display of parent pride makes me furious. A simple Facebook picture post irritates the hell out of me and their delusional outlook of perfection makes me insane. Just now, in this emotional late hour, I cannot fathom spending the holidays with them as they may inadvertently hurt my feelings with a naive comment.

I really don't understand this all. I enjoy emotionally balanced people and I strive to be one. I worked very hard to be more emotionally mature and controlled in my 20s and this feels so out of control and irrational. In this moment, my emotions feel very close to as strong as the first week after losing Wentworth - so fresh! I think I'm going to sign off and search for some answers via google and some message boards.