7 Week Itch

I was doing pretty good in my MindBody program when I got the "7 week itch" (aptly named from the commonly referred to "7 year itch" in marriage). The things I had been doing well: meditating daily, exercising daily, choosing more healthful foods, journalling daily - stopped completely. It started with me feeling unwell on Thursday night. Tyler had been sick off and on for about a week, with Thursday being the worst,  so I decided to make some chicken soup. As I was making the soup I started getting the tall tale signs of achiness, tiredness,etc. We went to bed early that night and I awoke mostly better. Although I wasn't feeling "sick", I was really tired and very unmotivated. I decided to take another day off from working out and just rest. Well one day turned into the entire week. And since I wasn't feeling well I turned to old comforts: chips & chocolate, to make me feel better.

I went to my session on Wednesday, ready to be punished. How am I going to change without punishing myself for bad actions right? Well this was another bad habit that I need to change. Jen, my coach, is/was great. She walked me through the process of being aware of what I wasn't happy with, analyzing the situation to see if there were things I could do to be proactive for next time, and then leting it go and moving forward.

If I had done what I expected myself to do, which is beat myself up for my poor choices, I would likely just continue to spiral downward: I'm unhappy with my choices so I choose things that make me feel better short term, which makes me feel worse, so I continue reaching for those short term fixes.

Jen reminded me that I am here for the long term. And that it is actually a "good" thing that I made this mistakes as I actually felt uncomfortable making them. Whereas, 6 weeks ago, this behavior was my norm and I was very comfortable doing it. Discomfort means I am changing and my new comfort is my improved habits.

I believe that part of my resistance comes from the fact that the "mind" part of the scheduled program is over and the nutrition focus is beginning. I am very apprehensive when it comes to changing my eating habits. I find it overwhelming to think about all the ways I should be eating...again another bad habit! Things are overwhelming because I have an "all or nothing" mentality. But if I instead focus on implementing one change at a time (like how I recently switched to brown rice rather than white), they'll be long term positive changes. But when I ONLY implement one or two small changes, I feel as though I am copping out and not challenging myself enough. Not progressing enough. Not enough...

It's amazing how ingrained some of this negative thinking is for me. How automatic it is, and how I can be suffering from its impact without even being aware its happening. During my session Jen and I had a pretty deep conversation, where I had an emotional breakdown. We discussed how I have some self-worth issues and how I need to be aware that I deserve good health and fitness. My childhood wasn't horrible, but I do have some experiences with emotional and physcial abuse (in my eyes not intentional hurtful but no less damaging). My parents did the best they could with the tools they had, and it is not their "fault", but I didn't get everything I needed growing up (emotionally). Jen & I have this in common: we have a hard time admitting that our parents didn't give us everything we needed. They loved us, and we love them,  and it feels like a betrayal to write those words, but if I don't admit it, I can't move past it. So yes, my parents were stricter than I could handle, and sometimes they took their struggles in life out on me. In no means do I think it qualifies as "abuse", but I was/am a very tender spirit and even the smallest slights could cut deep into my emotional psyche.

I remember one Saturday morning, I'm not sure of my age or specifics like that, but I had slept late in the day (which was common for me the night owl), and my parents had had some sort of fight about it - how my dad thought it made me lazy and I guess my mom stood up for me. But then, when I awoke and was eating my rice krispies at the table, my mom had starting yelling at me about it and how it caused a fight and I believe she smacked me. I just remember crying, and feeling like a piece of crap because I had caused a fight, and continuing to eat my rice krispies with tears streaming down my face and into my bowl because I didn't know what else to do. Even as I type this story...a story I have never told to anyone, it makes me feel shame, sadness and I cry. I couldn't stop the tears then and I can't stop them now. Each emotion I felt then is still just as strong in this moment, at least 15 years later, and I cry both for the young teenage girl then (seemingly a seperate person).

But maybe this is what I need to do. Maybe I need to write up these dark, shameful moments. To release them and not let them haunt me anymore. There never seemed to be anyone I could share them with, and so I had to hold on to those feelings and the memories.

Jen pointed out that as an adult, we make choices whether or not to be in an abusive relationship...and that includes an abusive relationship with ourselves. I am my biggest critical, whereas I should be my biggest suppporter. Sometimes I am that supporter, but it's usually with a twinge of doubt and not always 100% authentic.

It is wonderfully amazing to me, how many supporters I have outside of myself. When y'all send me kind words and thoughts, they really do mean the world to me. Thank you all!