This may sound weird, but even though I see Dexter, I miss my baby. I miss him as a baby.
It came over me the other day. He was drinking from a cup with a straw, and the look on his face was one I used to see all the time when I was breastfeeding. I don't know how to describe it exactly, kind of like a wide-eyed wonder/innocent look. But as I saw it, I realized that I hadn't seen it in such a long time and it made me really sad. There are so many things that I didn't "document" that seemed unforgettable at the time that fade away so quickly. With a little guy around, there are new things everyday so its hard to remember it all. And though we may experience most of them again if/when we have another baby, it will be a different journey because it'll be a different child. I will never again have Dexter as a baby.
Its probably completely ridiculous to feel sad about that - but I am. We have so much to look forward to in the future, but I'm finding this stage a bit difficult: the whole curiousness with complete lack of fear or conscience can be very, very trying. Also, I am the kind of person who, when I am immerged in something I am very passionate about it, but when I'm away from it the passion wanes. I think that Tyler being home and me pursing other things more (a.k.a. checking out more) is actually become a negative for Dexter & my relationship. I'm not as in tune with his wants/needs, my patience is actually less as I have lost my tolerance, and I don't feel "in love" with my baby right now. Part of this could also be coming from the fact that Dexter doesn't sleep at night with me anymore and that I am not breastfeeding at all. Both were great for building an emotional bond between us.
Anyway, the important thing is that I've become aware of my feelings in the last few days. The "easy" fix would be to try to have another baby right away and replace those emotions. However the right and "tough" thing to do is make myself passionate about Dexter-now again. I have to to get down on my hands and knees and play with him. I don't really like to "play" toys, but I like to chase him around our island, or growl and chase him. Tickle, giggle, and cuddle.
I used to be really good at savouring the positives of each stage. Like when Dexter couldn't crawl, I appreciated as he just sat there, etc. However I haven't been good at doing that lately - but I've began trying. Like instead of being annoyed by how long it takes to get him to bed, I should instead savour the fact that I get to cuddle him to sleep. One day he won't want his Mommy or Daddy to do that! And instead of being bothered by how he gets into everything...I'm trying to look at his "goal oriented" behavior and hope that it comes in handy for his future.
No one said being a Mother was easy...but if you look back, it is mostly wonderful. :-)
You commented that "Its probably completely ridiculous to feel sad about that" but it's not! In fact, it's NORMAL :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I can't promise you anything but the phase you are in right now is really difficult and it should get easier the older and mature Dex gets :) Soon he will really understand and -resond- to your 'no' (however you say/do the no thing)
Perhaps adding the desire for more patience into your daily meditation that you do?
You can push through this Crystal! You are a WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL women and mother and wife :)
I agree, that's totally normal! I feel like Matt & I missed a whole "baby phase" with Jackson because she started talking at 7 months, and was talking quite well by the time she was 18 months, so we missed the baby-toddle-babble phase. Your feelings toward them certainly change, but your love does not. Try to look at it from a different perspective: instead of looking at him as 'no longer a baby', marvel in the little PERSON he's becoming! Once he really starts talking, too, there will be a whole new way to connect with him. And kids really do say the darndest things! ;-)
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