Workout Challenges

I'm beginning to hit speed bumps on my fitness journey...

First, I started losing enthusiasm for Mom & Baby Aquasize.

Then, Dexter started having morning naps that go until almost 10am, interferring with our workout schedule.

Then, yesterday I had a really hard time with my elliptical workout. It was physically difficult, more than has been normal, and also mentally difficult. I really wanted to quit the elliptical after only 10 minutes. And I almost did. But a tiny voice in my head was like "you are doing this, quitting is easy now but isn't better". So I dug DEEP.

I started self talking in my head. I have a little picture I take with me of NYC, with a fit body & my head computered on - so Iooked at that picture, my goal, and said:

That girl in the picture would keep going. It would be easy for her. And she is me. Be who you want to be now. Push through. I can do it. I have energy. Vitality. Strength. Energy. Vitality. Strength. This is easy. Feel how tight & toned you are. How smooth this workout is.

And I just kept repeating versions of this over & over. A minute ticked by. Then two. I was halfway there. Another minute. Then only 7 minutes left. Six. Five. Four. Then I thought, You know what? I should make myself do an extra 5 minutes. That's how "easy" this is. I need to do an extra 5 minutes. So I did. And though it was hard, it was far from impossible.

I felt so proud of myself for pushing through and THEN doing more. That's what I am expecting of myself on this journey now. No giving up, to succeed & exceed my own expectations.

It also got me thinking that there should be audio downloads available that have these "personal trainer" -like encouragements. I fully attribute pulling through to those positive words & thought streams. So I'm going to go in search of some. And if none exist, I may need to put it in my "idea jar".
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How I Manifested Flowers

I had just pulled into the parking lot of MindBody FX and I noticed the flower shop next door. I thought to myself "I should get Tyler some flowers to show him I love him". But I figured Tyler would view it as a waste of money as flowers soon die.

Onward I went to my MindBody session. About halfway through my session, a lady walked in with a bucket of flower bouquets. She said "we don't need these so u guys can have them for free. Give them to your clients, for yourself, enjoy!"

So that's how I found myself with a free bouquet of flowers to take home to my hubby :-)


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Baby Talk Update

So I knew there was an additional topic that I missed in the last blog & Kyla reminded me yesterday...

There's not a LOT to say really. Basically I know that I am not ready right now for an additional kid, so we have agreed to table the topic for now. Tyler admitted that he might want another one in the future, just not at this moment - which I can fully understand. I told him that I am not going to nag him about it, but that I will bring it up from time to time to check in on his feelings. I can be bull-headed when I want something & that not how I want this to go. I want baby #2 to be just as welcomed as Dexter was.

In the meantime I have plenty of other things to keep me occupied: my fitness journey, savoring my one-on-one time with Dex, thinking about my "working" life & building up my relationship with Tyler - I'd like to re-capture the spark. We definitely love each other & are in this long term, but we don't always like each other. I'd like to change that.

Part of the blame is his working away. I, at least, sort of numbed my feelings so that his going away wouldn't be so painful. So I need to re-open my heart.

Last night we figured out that our authentic love language is physical touch...so we'll have to make an effort to do that more through the day :-)

Ciao for now!
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Some Updates

Topic 1: DAILY FITNESS

One of my fitness goals is to incorporate exercise into my daily life. So far our schedule has been:

Monday/Friday: Mom & Baby Water Aerobics
Tuesday/Thursday: Dexter to the gym daycare while I hit the elliptical @ the gym
Wednesday/Weekend: while the weather was nice I walked, but lately its be Wii Fit.

I've been liking it. I originally wrote "so far" but I deleted it cuz that implies that its temporary. I really feel that to have permanent results, I need lifestyle changes. These words get used often, but to be true, they need to be things I can sustain basically forever. I'm not saying I'll go to the gym every single day, but I will look for a way to increase my heart rate daily for a minimim of 5 minutes. That's what I am willing to committ to. That being said, I have been active for 20-45 minutes all but one day for the last 2 weeks. Yay!

I am also going to be looking for new and interesting ways to do it as variety is what keeps me interested. Baby Weights (my water workout), is already a bit dull. The instructors are rotated & I really like one girl, Malorie, as she gives 2 options for each movement. The rest of the instructors have been pretty lackluster.

So yes I'll be aware of my pounds "released" (the positive verbage for losing weight). I accidently saw how much I weighed on my Wii & I mistakenly thought I had released a couple pounds already. Turns out I had just made a data error. So when I thought I had released 2lbs I was extastic, but when I saw I was still the same weight it was disappointing. I almost reached for a sugar snack, but reisted :-) I'm going to have to be really cautious on not getting too obsessed with the scale as it could sabatage me.

Topic 2: ELLIPTICAL SURPRISE

The last two times I went on the elliptical at the gym, I started out at level one with the manual program & gradually worked to level three, with intervals. Today I was going to do the "cardio" program but I had to keep my hands on the handle for heart rate (annoying) so I switched to "fat" workout but it was the same so I defaulted back to my manual program.

The workout seemed harder so I avoided levelling up until 20 minutes in. Then I thought "if u don't attempt to challenge yourself u'll never improve" so I hit the level up button. It went to four, which means I had been doing level three for almost 20 minutes without knowing it! Awesome! That inspired me to see how high up I could go for the last five minute and I was able to do up to level 9! Gotta love when you trick yourself into doing more than you thought capable.

Topic 3: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW

After a 1 year hiatus, Mary has started dating again. The new guy is actually an old guy - both in age & reaccurance. Mary dated Dean before, when Tyler was about 3 or 4. Things didn't work out then, but he's back now with a vengence. Things seemed to have moved fast, but that is just my perception. At first I wanted to be really jugemental about the situation. But once I thought on it for a while, I decided that its truly none of my business.

The pros are that he seems to be nice, he's into the same spirtual stuff Mary is into right now, he seems laid back, he seems to treat her well & really like her.

The cons are that he's not really into card/board games (which is huge in tyler's family) but hopefully we can train him, he smokes, he runs a ranch in Rocky Mountain House, he's pretty quiet, and he's in his early 60s (Mary is just 50).

Anyway, they are spending a lot of time together, so we'll see how things progress.

Topic 4: TYLER

My hubby has been home 24/7 since after work on the Friday after Thanksgiving. I'm really thankful for that cuz Tyler being home has allowed me to be really self-focused on my program. Though I feel as though I have gotten lazy in same ways & our days are less structured now.

Tyler is hoping to stay off until after the New Year & then hopefully there will be another great "local" job. Otherwise this move will seem like it was for nothing. There are about 4 plants in the neighborhood so there should be something.

One of my goals for when he's home is to do some sort of relationship building. Stay tuned to see what I figure out to do.
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1st Week Review

So I've completed my first week of the MindBody FX program. Some of my measurable successes were:

-i met each & every daily goal,
-i did evening meditations,
-i was physically active each day,
-i completed my workbook homework for the week,
-i set a deeply motivation reward for myself.

I'm really happy with my progress. Mentally I am light years ahead of where I was last month. I may be many steps away from my destination, but I am definitely moving in the right direction.

So for NYC, I'm trying to decide what parameters I am comfortable defining my success by. The easiest thing to say would be "X" pounds by "X" date...however that is my old mindset. I'm after weight loss, but its a secondary goal. My real goal is to pursue a life of fitness & health. So how do I measure that? I want to set myself up for success, but I also want it to be a bit challenging.

One thing Jen, my coach, suggested was to say that I need to meet my daily goals, 6/7 times per week. Percent wise, that is 85%, equally an A in a grading system. What I like about this is it rewards my consistency (a major goal) but isn't asking for perfection. It also allows me start small & gradually increase my expectations. It motivates me daily & more accurately measures my long term success I think.

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The 8 Daily Eating Habits

MindBody FX has a list of Guidelines they'd like u to gradually implement into your daily life. They are:

1. Eat 3-6 mini meals/snacks throughout the day.

2. Eat breakfast soon after waking.

3. Include a source of carb, proteins & fats at every meal.

4. Include a fruit or vegetable at evry meal. Limit fruit to 3 times a day.

5. Eat a rainbow of your produce. Aim for 4 of 5 colors daily: red, orange, dark green, purple, & the last combines white, yellow and light green.

6. Drink enough water. Take your weight in pounds, divide by 2 & that equals the ounces u need. Crazy!

7. Eat until u are 80% full. Its easier to get 6 mini meals in & its a healthier habit.

8. Focus on eating health promoting food 80% of the time & enjoy other foods 20% of the time GUILT FREE. 90/10 is more ideal for faster weight "release" but never deprive 100%.


I am on board with all of these guidelines. They all "ring true" for me. However, that doesn't mean I'm doing them all at once or that they'll be easy.

The first challenge will be drinking enough water this week...or at least MORE water.

I'm also going to start brainstorming how to incorporate more protein in, as that is always a challenge!

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My Big One Year Reward...NEW YORK CITY!

I can't remember exactly how I thought it up, but I thought that a fantastic reward for going on this fitness journey for 1 year, would be a trip to New York. I really loved New York the first time but was limited with what I could do there for a variety of reasons, one of them being my fitness level.

Choosing New York as a reward works on a few levels.

One, it's something I really, really want so by saying I can only go if I follow through and be successful with my fitness journey, then that helps me stay motivated to continue to move forward.

Two, the trip itself will cement the idea of being able to enjoy life more if I am in a fit, healthy body.

Three, it gives me something to look forward to outside of the goal of "looking good".

Four, as Tyler pointed out, I wouldn't be able to rationalize going on this trip anytime in the near future, UNLESS it was as a reward for working so hard and focusing on my health.

When I first brought it up, Tyler was adamently against it because he wasn't aware that I was using it as a reward/motivation. He thought I was just planning a trip (which he thought was selfish as both he & Dexter won't be going). Once I pointed out that it is a full year away and that I am NOT allowed to go UNLESS I continue moving forward...he was on board. I guess the next step is to quantify the rules in which I am allowing myself to go there. Something to talk to my coach about at MindBody FX.

So far I have put the idea out there to a few of my friends and family. My mom (& possibly sister), Melody (& possibly her brother), and Vanessa are all tentatively interested. Tyler said that he is definitely not interested. That makes me a bit sad as I would love to share New York with him, but at the same time, if he "knows" he wouldn't like to go, then he would only be bored and grumpy there.

Breastfeeding Update

I haven't been breastfeeding Dexter for about a week now. Unfortunately for me, the result is earlier mornings cuz he's hungry for breakfast!
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Am I rushing a 2nd pregnancy?

So I've been reflecting on my desire to have baby number two and I'm concerned that my intentions aren't authentic & organic. By this I mean, I might be doing it for the wrong reasons.

I enjoyed being pregnant, but arguably it could have been due to the positive attention. I enjoyed that it was my first experience, documenting & researching along the way. I really felt part of a whole new group, first being pregnant & then once Dexter was born.

I'm worried that my mind has glossed over all the hard stuff. I remember when people first met Dexter & they said they wanted another baby I was adament that 1 was hard enough & that I could never do 2. So what makes me think I could handle it now? You could agrue that I'm more experienced now, but also I would have Dexter to contend with on top of baby #2.

Am I just trying to fill a void from inside myself by having another kid? The same thing I get frustrated with Kim about...
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My 1st "Group" Session

Wednesday was my first session with MindBody FX. I put "group" in quotations in my title because there was only one other participant and she was a no show! Bonus to me, as I got one-on-one treatment but paid for less :-)

The session started out not so great, as the clinic was closed when I arrive [sidebar, I friggin hate my laptop some days. I just finished typing three paragraphs then accidently deleted them. Then the blog auto saved. Grrr!). Anyway, since I'm too lazy to re-type the whole thing again...basically I was anxious that I got the info wrong or something, expecially as I drove from Leduc, but they were just late. Jen, my personal coach, arrived at about ten after two.

The session involved a powerpoint backdrop, some digging questions (the start of self-contemplation), a visualization, an exhange of personal experiences and some homework.

One part of my homework is to email my success partner (Jen for now, another co-member later if she is more reliable) with a goal for the next day. She told me to keep it so "friggin easy" that I just couldn't possibly fail. So for example, my first goal was 5 minutes of exercise. Then, in each daily email after that, I start with whether or not I met my goal (no excuses, just I met it or I didn't) and then a goal for the next day.  I love the "friggin easy" idea because it starts you off with some great positive re-inforcement. And really, the first goal of a healthy weight is to be consistent, not to run a marathon. So on Thursday I met my goal by taking Dexter for a stroll to "No Frills", and picking up some groceries. All in all it was a 30 minute walk. Then today (same goal, 5 minutes), Dex & I went to mom and baby water aerobics which is 45 minutes. I love that not only am I meeting my goals, but I am "overachieving". It really builds your self perception.

I skimmed through the rest of my homework and it involves some reading & listening to the program (which I'm ahead on but will re-read/skim to re-inforce it), trying out a "whole foods recipe", using an affirmation I think and I can't remember what else.

My self-created homework is to use the morning & evening meditations daily (the night one actually helps me shut off my brain & fall asleep), filling out my progress journal each evening, and creating a physical representation of my ideal weight. This may be a magazine photo with my face or something else...

So I'm on track with where I want to be, on the road to where I want to go. One of the things I want to really keep in mind, is a message I keep hearing right now (so it must be important to me):

IT'S THE JOURNEY, THE PROCESS THAT IS IMPORTANT. NOT THE END RESULT.

The process is about loving myself, treating myself well, enjoying life and creating positive habits. :-D I'm so glad to be on this journey!

Use the Good China (or Good Bubble Bath)!

When you use your good stuff right away/often instead of special occassions and rainy days two important things happen.

1. They earn the value of the space they take up, and

2. They bring sunshine & rainbows to the dullness of everyday.

I was reading an article about decluttering and the woman pointed out how wasteful & cluttering it is to keep these things stuffed away. After moving boxes full of bubble bathes that I've had for ages but have yet to use, I completely understand her point!
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Great one liner from Kyla

Exert from Kyla's blog that I love:

"Great advice from my mom that she heard in a talk at Education Days in Provo, a talk about decluttering your life

'If you want an answer right now [for a time committment], then the answer is no.' "

Breakfast Ideas

I like to eat when I first wake up. I think it's a vital part of a healthy day. However, I am not the biggest fan of traditional breakfast foods: eggs, bacon, pancakes, french toast, cereal.  Sometimes I enjoy the flavor, but gernerally I feel pretty ill after eating those breakfast items. I like the idea of smoothies but can't seem to get one with a texture I like. So I am constantly on the lookout for exciting, new breakfast ideas. Some people feel weird about eating certain foods first thing in the morning, but luckily I don't have that qualm! Here are some I found via the world wide web, I'm going to mark the ones I'm most interested in with an astrix (*). 

-Cottage cheese and fruit.
-Thai flavored omelets
-Cream cheese stuffed French Toast
-Healthy, homemade whole grain muffins. Stored in freezer individually & warmed in microwave when needed.
-Bagels with cream cheese & ham & red pepper jelly
*Cold brown rice with milk, cinnamon & brown sugar or honey.
-Buffalo burger toasted sandwiches. When I worked out with my trainer I cooked up buffalo hamburger loosely with some taco seasoning & ate it on toast with mustard in relish. Very delicious!
-Shrimp tart turned into a quiche.

My search hasn't turned up anywhere near enough results for my liking. Any suggestions?

I'm Not Perfect

Tyler and I had quite the emotionally intense discussion tonight. It's going to be a little difficult to write a blog correctly about this discussion as I can't remember exactly how it went, or what was said when, so I'm going to just try to summarize the gist of it, please bear with me.

It started this afternoon, with me telling my Mom that I was thinking about trying for child #2 about six months down the road.  She had what I would call a negative reaction by saying "I'm really surprised" and "I'm just enjoying Dexter, I don't want to share him." She wasn't enthusiastic at all. This surprise me, and honestly hurt me a bit. I didn't know how to take it.

So tonight, after Tyler & I got home from a movie while my parents watched Dexter, my parents went out looking for a casino. I turned to Tyler to tell him about my conversation with my Mom and see if he'd help me figure out the meaning behind it when he said he basically didn't want to have another kid and said "How does it makes sense to have another kid right now?" I pointed out that I wasn't saying right now, I was saying 6 months down the line to try, which means at least another 9 months before baby arrives after that (so at least 15 months down the line, if not more). He proceeded to ask me how it made sense. I was like well, I want to have another. He interrupted me and said "so what if you want one, how does it make sense". I'm like well, it'd be good for Dex to have a sibling, and he said again "These are just your wants. They don't justify having another child. So, how does it make sense?" At this point I was getting frustrated, feeling like I was getting an emotional slap after every thing I said. So I told him "What do you mean by sense? What are you looking for?" I never really got my answer to this, but it boiled down to Tyler not thinking we could handle another kid, but really mostly meaning that he didn't think that I could handle another kid.

As I write those words, I still feel really hurt by what he's saying. To me, that translates to "You're not being a good enough Mom to Dexter." I think for most moms, that is the single most hurtful thing you can say to them. Woman, in general, have a natural tendancy to do more for others than themselves, and moms especially tend to try to do everything to give their kids a good life. Of course, being my own worst critique (or so I thought), I am always striving to be a better person in every avenue of my life. I am constantly striving to do better and be better.

As an example, right now I am reading books & learning about money and investing. I have enrolled in a program to improve my health and am reading books and listening to CDs for that program. I have begun looking for physcial activies and attending them. I am working on keeping my house in a cleaner state and preparing interesting and healthy meals for supper every night. Dexter has a bit more of a schedule by sleeping in his crib every night, only nursing once a day if that, and having yogurt and a banana for breakfast every morning (a healthy breakfast I think). I am currently trying to solve the daily naps issue as I am now resorting to drives to get him to have good naps and the hitting phase he seems to be in right now. I have joined a Mommy club to be more social and meet people and help Dexter be more socialized with other kids. I have been blogging more to express my creative side as well as reading fiction for fun. I keep in touch with a lot of my family and friends via phone, texting, email and facebook and visits. And I am seeking out ways to earn money that follows my passions.  I also worry about my marital relationship and try to think of ways to improve it and find the time and energy to do that.

I am currently working on each and every aspect of my being...And I feel like I have improved. I feel like I have gotten a better handle on my spending, that I don't induldge in stuff as much, that I am less selfish than I was before Dexter came along. I am looking for ways to enjoy life without spending as much money (like dying my hair at home instead of through a stylist).  Most of every day, Dexter is happy, healthy and content. He does have melt downs but they tend to be from tiredness as he hasn't seemed to figure out how to calm down and go to sleep when he's tired.  I am also trying to continue purging my "stuff" and try to lead a more simplistic life. Basically, I was feeling really good about most things in my life and the journey I am on.

But I can't help but wonder, if two of the people with the biggest roles in my life, have doubts about me being able to handle two kids...what does that mean? How does that reflect on me as a person and as a mom? I can't be committed to self-improvement without taking an objective look at myself and what this means...

No, I'm not perfect. There are lots of things I would like to improve about my role as a Mom.  For one, I wish I could be more devoted to Dexter. Like I wish that my mind didn't have a million other interests and responsiblities. But I really feel that my role during the day includes tidying the house, making supper, getting dressed/ready, looking after my pets and the household tasks (like paying bills) and pursuing some of my own interests in addition to spending time with Dexter. I think most Moms would agree, that although Daddy time generally gets to be just playing with the kids, Mommy time tends to be more multi-task oriented.

Secondly I wish I had more energy and wasn't so lazy and self-absorbed. I do still find pleasure in tasks just for me (like reading, socializing, watching TV, researcing ideas, thoughts, philosophies), but maybe I need to find a better balance of this.

Third, I wish I was more consistent and structured. Studies a plenty show that kids flourish the most with well defined schedules and while we have more of a schedule, we still don't have much of a routine.  Some of the ways Dexter "suffers" is that we don't have daily baths and we don't really brush his teeth, and he probably doesn't consume the right variety of foods for his needs (like I cannot get him to drink milk). I know that I need to get a handle on these things as these are life skills that Dexter needs to become a contributing member of society.  So far he hasn't seemed to suffer any long term damage from my "fuck ups"...but the sooner I get a handle on them the better.

While I am fully willing to take responsiblity for my suckiness, when will Tyler step up to the plate for his? I think he feels that he does his Daddy job by working and providing for our life financially. While I am ever so greatful for this, I think the role of a modern Daddy doesn't stop here. I think every child needs a very present Dad in their lives. I was always very vocal about how I wanted someone who was a very involved Daddy, participating in diaper changes, bath time, bed time, etc. In general Tyler is pretty good at this.  It doesn't take too much prodding for him to do a dirty diaper, and compared to some Dads I know (*cough* Tyrone) he pulls his weight without too much complaining. I just find that if Tyler feels that something should have been done or done a certain way, he bitches as me when he is just as capable of just doing the thing he is bitching about. Like he'll say "the dogs are out of water!". Okay, so fill up their bowl. Why does it have to turn into a "you're a bad person cuz you didn't pay attention to the water bowl level of the dogs and they are dying from thirst".  I'm sure some of it is my over-reaction to feeling judged by Tyler all the time, but I truly feel that between his tone, look and frequency of these type of sentences, that I'm not too far off the mark. 

So I guess, in addition to Tyler's comments hurting me, they just plain piss me off. Like where are his self-help books? Why isn't he researching the way to bring romance back into our lives? I admit that our relationship isn't where it was or what is should be, but I only take responsibility for my part. It takes two to tango, and right now, no one is on the dance floor. Instead of being negative about things, condescending and blaming when things go wrong, I really wish he would be solution oriented as well as take responsibility for his contributions (or lack thereof). Anyone can point out a problem, the real hero is the person who figures out how to solve it. It really annoys me that I am wanting to improve and grow and he seems content staying the same.

I pointed out to Tyler that I really feel that my life has changed much more than his has. Not to be competitive about it, but to prove a point that if my life has changed more and I want another child, then why can't he be on board? One of the reasons I'm saying we should try in 6 months, is so that we can work towards being where we want to be before we have another child. For me, I want to be in better shape, more organized and have a better harmony in my life. I also want to savor the one-on-one time I have with Dexter now.

A tiny segway...Tyler seems to be very discontented right now with me. Tonight I told him something I had heard on an Oprah show a few years back. There was a woman on Oprah that said, her husband was driving her crazy. Every little thing he did, didn't do, said and didn't say annoyed her. When she started reading "the Secret" she realized that she had control of this problem. Her current perspective was that he was annoying and thus everything about him was annoying to her. When she started to work on being positive and focus on the things she liked and loved about him, it had a snowball effect and she started to fall back in love with him. Now they are happier then they ever have been. I want to do this, but it's a 2-way street and I feel Tyler needs to do the same.  It's very difficult to have a one sided relationship and if he's not willing to put in the effort then things will only get worse. I can't be a good wife, if I don't feel appreciated as a wife, mother and person.

When I was discussing the 6 months thing, I said that just because I'm saying at least 6 months, doesn't mean it has to happen in exactly 6 months. To which Tyler responded, "of course we do, because that's how you are, you plan and things have to go according to your plan." Well that made me mad, cuz really, if you know me, then you know I'm a planner, right? I don't think I can change that about me and to be honest, I don't know that I want to. Its part of my authentic self and if you don't like it, maybe it's your problem? If you can't love me for me, again, maybe that's your problem? Also, isn't a plan much better than a spring something on you and I want it now?

Then somehow we got to talking about how I'm only excited about things for 2-3 months then I'm not so much. How I've tried businesses and failed, how I've missed lots of goals. So I said "well at least if you aim for goals and miss, at least that's better then never having goals at all." He's like, yeah that's what people say but I don't know if that's true, cuz you never finish anything. Like I've never accomplished anything? I finished high school, and then finished college with a diploma and great marks. I have stayed in this relationship, got married, had a beautiful son (who I still love and am very enthusiastic about). I have excelled at pretty much every job I've had and to this day believe my old bosses would hire me back (with a couple exceptions). Each office I temped in loved me and I have many more good, positive relationships then bad ones. In fact, most of my negative relationships have since been repaired (thanks in part to facebook).  I had a goal to move closer to Tyler's work or have the work move closer to us and I'm the one who put in the work to make that happen.

What annoys me most, is that I shouldn't have to prove my worthiness to my husband. Our vows are suppose to mean that we are loving and supportive of each other. That we are each other's biggest fans, rooting for them in every thing they do. It's very hard to be successful when the person you spend your life with every day, is your biggest nay-sayer. And it's impossible to explain this to him because whenever you talk about such emotional stuff you cry which causes him to be defensive and shut down.

I know I'm not perfect. About a month ago Tyler told me he wanted to work out with a buddy from work, in Fort Saskatchewan. I sort of freaked out saying that he wouldn't get home til like 8 or 8:30 and that would make life very difficult for me so that was selfish of him. However, either later that night or the next day I apologized and said if it was important to him then I should be supportive in him doing that. So last week he started that. On Monday he got home about 8:30, Tuesday he ended up having tire problems so didn't get home until 10pm, Wednesday night he was busy at home catching up on all the things he didn't have time to do on Monday & Tuesday. Thursday rolls around and Dexter was super grumpy and agitated so I asked Tyler to come straight home instead to help me out with Dex. Dex ended up going to bed by the time Tyler got home and stayed there all night. Friday turned out to be a day off for Tyler, but he ended up spending most of the day (10:30-6pm) working on the car and it's tires in St. Albert. So...by the end of this week, I basically felt like I was a single mom all week. So as much as I want to be supportive of Tyler's endevours, it's a real pain in my ass.

 

Anytime anything goes wrong lately, it seems to be "my fault". If a glass gets spilled, Dexter falls, or if the dogs run out of water...then "I need to pay more attention".  Well guess what? I put in a full day too and when Tyler gets home, I like to think that we are sharing responsibility for the things that are going on - good & bad.

I don't know, am I just repeating myself at this point? I'm more than willing to work on everything, to continue to try to improve myself and our lives...but I'm beginning to wonder, if I'll ever meet Tyler's expectations?

Wow, this has turned out to be a very RAW blog.  I have used it to think through my feelings and vent my thoughts fully without opposition from Tyler during the process.  Please don't misinterpret this blog to mean I don't love Tyler, because I do love him very much and am very committed to spending the rest of my life with him. I simply think we are in a pretty rough spot right now, and need some strong effort from both of us to get back to the strong relationship we have when we are on the same side...instead of spinning our wheels in the mud and going no where but deeper in the pit.

I really want to get this shit sorted out, so that we can have a happier marriage for us and a happier family life for Dexter and (hopefully) a future child.

Tyler's Union

I was having a conversation this weekend about Tyler's job with a friend and she seemed confused about it. I thought a blog was in order to describe how Tyler's union works. This blog is dedicated to you Diana :-)

Okay, where to start? Maybe - with how you join his union. Basically, you just sign up and pay dues and I believe you are suppose to have residence within certain parameters and of course you need to be an apprentice or journeyman within the appropriate field (in this case, Electrician). There are two types of dues, "working dues" and "non-working dues". When you are working a union job, you pay higher dues/fees. Out of work people pay lower dues/fees. By being up to date on your dues, you are eligible to apply for union jobs.

Your dues are suppose to pay for the Union to keep a supply of jobs (by bidding on contracts), advertising and other adminstrative costs. Also, when you are working, you bank hours that make you eligble for medical/dental benefits, a pension and RRSP contributions. In addition, the rate of pay for Union members is typically higher than non-Union members. Typically, non-union workers don't seem to get benefits.  The work schedule is pretty well honored by the Union companies, so 1 first day of overtime is paid at 1.5 and the second & third days are paid at 2. So right now, Tyler's schedule is Monday to Thursday, 10 hour days. For every Friday he works, he gets 1.5 times his rate of pay and every Saturday & Sunday (Sundays are rare), he gets double his rate of pay. Definitely awesome, but a lot of it goes to taxes too.

Jobs/positions are posted on an electronic bulletin called the Jobline, and/or you can also call a recording to hear the jobs (to see the current version for yourself, you can visit http://www.ibew424.net/Default.aspx?tabid=81 as it is available to the public). This is done each evening before a weekday (not including holidays). Jobs are organized by company, a small description and a list of what positions they are looking for (example 2 jouneyman's + 1 third year apprentice), a description of the shifts (i.e. 4/10s means 10 hour days, 4 days a week, 5/8s means 5 days at 8 hours days, 6&6 12, means 6 days on, 6 days off, 12 hour shifts). Then, to get a job, you "bid" on it.

Bidding on jobs: when you are out of work, you are assigned a number (kind of like waiting in line at the bakery when you take a number). Numbers are seperated between Journeyman (electricans who have completed the four year program of schooling and on the job hours) and Apprentices (of which there are 1st, 2nd, 3rd & 4th year). Each weekday morning, starting at 8am you call the Hall and bid on the job you want (providing you are currently out of work, you cannot bid on a job when you have a job). To bid, you tell them the position you want (and perhaps your 2 & 3 choices if applicable) and give them your Out of Work #. I can't tell you the exact rules, but usually this bidding lasts for maybe an hour (as it can take that long to get through to someone). After the call time is over, the Hall sorts through those who called, and give the jobs to those who called in with the BEST number (meaning been out of work the longest). Sometimes there are extra criteria, such as a call for an Edmonton resident or someone with experience with a specific type of work, which can lean a bid to your favor, but generally it is best number & first come first serve. The Union philosophy being that there is no favoritism the way.

Unfortunely, the Union isn't as strong as it used to be in this area, so there tends to be more people available then jobs. Sometimes this can work out okay because you schedule a self-imposed, non-paying break in between jobs to "beef" up your number to increase your chances of winning a bid on a job. Or, as an Apprentice, when you go to school for your 8 weeks, your number is usually stronger when you are done.

This also means that while working for the Union, you will basically never have one job for the rest of your working days. Instead, you go from contract to contract as the work is available. You might have one job for a couple weeks or a couple months or a couple years, depending how much work the company has.  Usually, a job will be describes as 2 weeks+ meaning they have at least 2 weeks of work, if they don't like you then you may get laid off and if they do like you, there is work for a while.

I believe I've outlined many of the pros of the Union already, but additionally one of the biggest pro's as far as Tyler is concerned, is the lack of resumes & interviewing. Since he has never had to do a resume/interview to get a job, it is even more intimidating for him to begin now.

Some of the cons of Unions are:

-the non-steady flow of paycheques means you need to be good at budgeting your money, you never know when the cheques will end and when they will start. Sometimes there are educated guesses, but you never really know for sure. Example, Tyler thought this current job would have ended in May as it seemed the company was going to lose the contract even though the work isn't done.  Much to his surprise, the company still has the contract and he continues to work for them.

-the cycle of working like crazy when you have a job and then being a bum when you don't have a job can be hard on a person AND his family. We don't seem them much when they are working and then we see them too much when they are not. Plus, they often get so used to working long days and many days in a row that when they are on a break they feel "useless" and therefore get really edgy. During working times, I find I also get really possessive of our weekends together as we don't have a ton of time during the week (though this is less so now that we are living closer to his work).

-there isn't a lot of reward for people who are solid and hard working. The Union is meant to treat everyone "equally" whether it is truly "fair" or not. Poor & lazy workers are often protected.

-sometimes "who you know" still gets you unfair advantages in the Union. It's not a perfect world and some people will still operate outside the systems.

-sometimes Politics, outweighs the Union agreements that are made. For instance, the Union agrees on contracts of how workers should be treated, paid, etc with Union companies. Then, some companies get "subcontracts" so to speak on how they don't have to abide by the contract agreements. Coincidently, some of those companies are Oil companies with deep pockets...

-there are often not enough jobs to go around.

-the jobs are often not in your hometown. Red Deer is the biggest non-Union center in Alberta. Thus why it made sense for us to move. The most prevalent areas right now with electrical jobs are Fort McMurray (which is isolated, yucky & has a high cost of living) and currently Fort Saskatchwan, though it is allegedly tapering off. Most Union jobs tend to be Industrial, vs Residental or Commercial.

So I hope that helps explain things a little more for people. It might help you to understand why we use the term "lay off" so casually (as it is the way you leave a contract job in the Union, firing is reserved for extreme cases).  Or help to explain why Tyler may be jobless for a certain time. If anything is still unclear, please do not hestitate to ask about it!

The Smart Princess

I have always nurtured an Inner Princess. Perhaps that's why I managed to blow every cent I've every earned? From my first real job at KFC to jobs in my "career", money burned a hole in my pocket. I grew up in a small town, so blowing every paycheque took some skill. We only had a few worthwhile stores: the Bargain Shop & a drug store were two of them. I could spend an entire paycheque on useless items from the drug store: make-up, bubble baths, magazines...whatever random stuff made my heart race at the time.

I'd love to say I grew up, went to college and learned some money savvy. That would be a lie. My first semester away in college, I managed to blow through my entire Student Line of Credit - a whopping $15,000! Scary, especially considering my first semester was merely general studies. The majority of that money was used for booze, cabs, on restaurants and bar clothes. A piddly amount of it paid tuition, books and rent (yeah I didn't even have a vehicle). After three years of college, I emerged with a Business Diploma in Marketing, $40,000 in debt and little for job opportunities. Apparently, with a Business Diploma I was qualified for becoming a Sales Person &/or an Entrepreneur - neither of which appealed to me at the time.  I earned a minimal amount of money for the next five years and slowly chipped away at the debt.

My Prince in Shining Armour (hubby Tyler), went into the Electrician field and managed to earn a very nice wage, especially with all the overtime he worked. With very few fixed expenses and a strong sense of frugality, he managed to hold onto his money much better than I ever did. Eventually, after we got married, we decided together to use "his money" to pay off "my debt".

Awesome right? A clean slate. Well, Momma must have raised a fool because I fell into the debt trap again. I was getting used to a nice disposable income when I got laid off. After working for several years for the government and feeling unfulfilled, I decided to "ride the EI train" and try to purse some passions. Instead I racked up my credit cards. Then I "consolidated" them to a Line of Credit with a lower interet rate (smart), but instead of closing the credit cards I re-racked them up again (not smart). Now, I had a $20,000 Line of Credit maxed, and three credit cards maxed at about $15,000.  I was even more shame filled about this debt than my educational debt because I should have leaned better and I had absolutely nothing to show for it this time (it's amazing how the little things add up).

I hid my debt from my hubby (which was pretty easy to do as I was in charge of the finances and he never opened my mail). It was so out of control, I felt horrible and yet the thing that made me feel better was to keep shopping.  Somehow, I can't even remember how it went, but Tyler found out the whole debt story. For other reasons, we decided to sell our house and buy another and when we did that, we basically used our equity to move my debt into our mortgage.

After we paid off my debt, I cancelled all my cards, leaving one with a $500 limit open (I still feel its important to have credit in my name but with a limit that's not too difficult to pay off). I'm still not sure that I've really LEARNED the lessons yet as I still very much want to spend, Spend, SPEND. But I'm trying to keep myself in check and not indulge as much as I used to in frivolous things. That being said, I still love feeling like a princess.

So how can I live like a Princess without ending up a Pauper?  It's my goal to figure it out, so that I can teach other woman how to treat ourselves well without  the guilt and shame of bad debt...

My Thoughts vs Nutrition Plan

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." - Buddha

These are the words that continue to ring in my head as I struggle with the nutritional concepts from MindBody FX. So I think, for now, I am going to take what rings true for me, utilize that, and junk the rest.

I have tried a few things, almond milk instead of cows milk, adding more beans, using lime/lemon & salt in my water, butter instead of margarine...and they aren't working for me. I'm not the biggest milk drinker but when I have it, I want the real thing - 2% and cow. I prefer the flavor of margarine instead of butter in most cases (except maybe baking). I am just not a big fan of beans, their flavor or texture. And I have felt less well since I've added lime/lemon & sea salt to my water (the theory is water needs to be more alkaline to be absorbed).

So instead I am going to adopt the positive suggestions that ring true for me. Trying to eat brown rice more often than white...in fact I think I like my brown rice better now - just not the time it takes to cook it! Incorporating a full rainbow of fruits & veggies throughout my day. Drinking much more water!!

I am doing this because I believe trying to follow a system I disagree with will set me up for failure. Deep down I also believe the following: what our mind believes is much stronger than the actual food going in our mouth. So my energy will be better spend focusing on my thoughts...which will have a positive domino effect on my eating habits. If no food is labelled as "bad", then u don't have the rebel drive to eat it, knowing u can eat it whenever actually results in eating it less!

A few years ago, I focused on my thoughts for a month & had a 20 lb weight loss with zero feelings of deprievation.
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I'm Thankful...

Yukon Jack, from Edmonton's "the Bear" radio station reminded me, albeit humorously, that Thanksgiving weekend isn't just about delicious turkey dinners. Its about being thankful & giving thanks for all that you appreciate. Inspired by Yukon Jack's monologue, here is what I'm thankful for (in no particular order):

- I'm thankful for a variety of quality radio stations to listen to from Edmonton.
- I'm thankful for having functional air conditioning in my vehicles.
- I'm thankful for full cable packages with east/west time delays.
- I'm thankful for drive-thrus so I can eat when Dexter is napping.
- I'm thankful for my healthy baby bou who's personality makes me giggle when I should be mad.
- I'm thankful for a husband who allows me to have my own opinions.
- I'm thankful for an abundance of great friends in many cities & towns.
- I'm thankful for being able to keeps trying after failure. Seconds, third and fourth chances are what life's about...in reference to career & health anyway.
- I'm greatful for little pieces of sunshine like chocolate, starbucks, fun texts, fun mail...
- I'm thankful for a hubby who isn't picky about food.
- I'm thankful for lovely warm weather & sunshine in October.
- I'm thankful for more time with family & friends since moving to Leduc.
- I'm thankful for finding new great tasting recipes.
- I'm thankful for our home & all the things that make it.
- I'm uber thankful for getting to spend everyday with Dexter.
- I'm thankful for freedom in our country & all the wonderful things that come with that.
- I'm thankful for commonsense & intelligence.
- I'm greatful for the creative bug.
- I'm greatful for counting down sleeps to fun things like birthdays, Christmas & vacations.
- I'm greatful for all my talents & skills that make me, me.
- I'm thankful for books -they bring so much enjoyment to me- the love of reading.
- I'm thankful for comedy in all its forms: stand-up, tv, movies, books, emails, cartoons/comics.
- I'm thankful for having "enough" of all the things we really need.

That's a short list, off the top of my head. What are u thankful for?
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

P.S.

I also want an Iphone...all want, no need. Though, by waiting until Feb 2nd I'm qualified for a "hardware upgrade" which I think means I can get a new phone with a new contract?

Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

Baby Business

I'm not sure exactly why, but I've been craving some of the excitement & fun of having another baby. I've some how seemed to have forgotten all the difficult things that come along with it! Instead I've been thinking about how much fun it is to share the news that you're expecting, to feel the first flutters of movement, to know that you're carrying another being in your belly, to look forward to the fun of an ever growing belly...

Now is just not the right time though. For starters, I'm not really having any baby-making time (something that really needs to move up my priority list). Secondly, I feel as though I am just getting ownership of my body back as I am still having that 1/2 hour of nursing every morning. Third, there are many more things I need to put my attention to & I know if I was in baby making mode, it would get my whole mental game. Fourth, if I got pregnant soon, I baby #2's birthday would be dangerously close to Dexter's &/or Christmas. Fifth, I really need to learn impulse control and delayed gratification. Just cuz I want something all of a sudden, does not mean I am ready for it or deserve it.

So my plan (which Tyler is not yet prvy to) is to give is about 6 months. If we started trying in April, it would give us a solid 6 month window that I would be happy to get prego in.

To help get through the waiting time, let us remember all the not-so-great things of having a baby.

-having to pee all the time
-food & odour aversions
-lack of energy
-possible morning sickness
-forgetfulness (though I think I have "mom brain" now anyway)
-doctor appointments & tests
-discomfort while sleeping
-swollenness/edema
-LABOUR
-suffering through other people's advice
-worry that baby is going to be healthy
-worry that Dexter won't adjust well to new baby

Hmm, that's off the top of my head. Any others?


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Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

First Taste of MindBody FX

When I signed up for, MindBody FX, the weight "release" program I got the 6 audio CDs that are basically the workbook read aloud. I drove to Calgary & back to Leduc on Thursday so I was able to get pretty far into the program philosophies. I really love what they are doing with the mind side as I think its both groundbreaking & correct (not the right word but can't think of a better one). However, I have a "beef" with the nutrional side of it...

I originally signed up for the program thinking that 90% of the content was going to be about the mental fight of getting healthy. But the way the CDs come across, its 70% nutrition. To be honest, I am not liking that. For every weight loss expert out there, there is a different opinion on how, what, when & how much we should be eating. I have a philosophy myself (not really used by myself), and it makes me "uncomfortable" to think about trying something new.

That being said, I think that I need to be willing to at least try their methods before knocking them. As my aversion to their ideas might be part of my mental block. I am, though, giving my permission to sift through the idealogies, post-trial, keep what feels authentic & purge the rest. I feel that this is the best way to deal with just about any new ideas on any topic.

Now that I've probably peaked your interest on the nutritional idealogies of MindBody FX, let me delve into the details of it. The base of it, is to eat whole, fresh foods. So for example, instead of egg whites, eat the whole egg. Instead of chicken nuggets, each chicken. Avoid processed &/or gentically modified foods. Eat butter instead of margarine. Whole wheat vs white foods (sugar, white bread & pasta are the devil). Instead of sugar or fake sweeteners use honey, maple syrup, stevia. Avoid soy as it tends to be modified. Eat nuts, seeds & beans. Fresh, in season fruit & veggies in the whole rainbow spectrum. Avoid pre-packaged and processed foods.

They recommend doing the changes over 3 stages as they are meant to be lifelong. Stage one, gets u eating fresh & whole more. Stage two, is eating fresh & whole only. Stage three is very strict & meant for short phases of detoxifying. Life is meant to be a blance between 2 & 3 that u're comfortable with. There is no counting calories or portion sizes. Rather they teach slower eating, using smaller plates and utensils & eating until u are 80% full.

I love that its recommended it in stages (u choose 10 day or 21 day stages), I think that's great. I'm fairly ok with fresh & whole.

Here are some of my concerns.

1. I like Becel margarine WAY over butter. I've been eating it for years so I prefer the flavor, I like that its spreadable, and I really feel better about it nutritionally. I'm not sure that I want to change this, but I sort of feel that I need to give this 100% of my effort.

2.I eat whole grain bread & pasta already, and will try brown & whole rice. Though I find it takes MUCH longer to cook. On Saturday I mixed my white rice with brown & wild and felt good about that.

3. I'm worried about foods being bland on their own without sauces & mixes. I'm sure there will be some approved things that are ok, but I really need flavorful food & a variety.

4. I'm not a fan of most beans & legumes. I will try to eat more, or hide them in my meals maybe.

5. They eventually recommend avoiding cows milk & a lot of cow milk products. Suggesting almond milk and some other stuff.

6. They recommend switching to certain oils, & some organics. This could get pricey.

7. I often mix fresh & packaged foods. For example, I like the pre-packaged scallop potatoes & mashed potatoes. I like the pre-made frozen meatballs. Stuff like that.

8. My sweet tooth is afraid. How WILL I survive without daily doses of choclate, candy & chips?

Breaking it down on here, it doesn't seem too bad. Maybe its not as contrary as I feared. There are also two meditation tracks that I am looking forward to using daily: one for morning & one for night.

Despite my fears that the timing wasn't right, I think the timing might actually be perfect. My first group session isn't until Oct 13, so it gives me time to start slow & wade through my concerns at my own pace.

I've begun making some small changes already. On Saturday my friends wanted to buy us dinner & I originally suggested pizza. Then, after mulling over it for a while, I asked them if they'd mind if I cooked us supper instead. They were all on board. So instead we had chicken, rice & spinach salad for supper. I had expressed my excitement about getting started with my program so Melody & Shelly brought fruit for an after dinner snack & Vanessa limited how many chips she brought so I wouldn't have any leftovers. Instead of pop I had fruit juice & water to drink.

Dexter also seems on board. Since I'm not producing much milk, he doesn't really go back to sleep in the morning like he used to. So he wakes between 6 & 8 for the day. I took advantage of this today & we went to "Baby Weight" a mom & baby water workout class. I really felt the burn! Classes are Mondays & Fridays, & are available for drop-in.

Tyler is spending this week, going to the gym after work with a work buddy. This buddy, Randy, is in his 50s & has been weight training for a while. Its good for Tyler to learn how to do that with another guy. Once Tyler gets laid off we could go to the gym together, during the day when its slow, and they have babysitters @ the gym.

I'm also hoping to possibly sign up for a class or sport or some sort of physical activity for us to do together. Kickboxing or curling or something. Any suggestions?

My 1st Bowen Treatment

My friend Kyla has taken up studies on Bowen. She has 7 modules and has to do 50 sessions on people to complete her studies. I get to be a part of some of those sessions! I'm too lazy to describe Bowen, so you can either google it or check out Kyla's blog explanation at: http://blychroniclesandmore.blogspot.com/

My first session was on Thursday, Sept 30. I don't have too much to say about it yet. Here are the few things:

-for some reason, I didn't realize how naked I was going to be. Though I am comfortable with it from going to massages, it was a little weird at first to be so with a friend. The strategic sheet placement was appreciated though :-)

-I enjoyed experiencing a new treatment style.

-I did find that my nose wasn't as stuffed up by the end.

Kyla will be doing another session with me on Thanksgiving weekend. I hope to have more commentary after that one.

Some blogs that haven't get made it past draft stage

A Documentry? - April 29/10

I was watching a movie review show (Sisket & Ebert-esque) where they were discussing a documentry and I have a moment of inspiration: I want to do a documentry! I love movies...

How To Stop Being Lazy - May 18/10

The following was found on another site, that at this time I do not have the link to...if it's your's please claim it & I'll add the info.

Step 1

Do you think you're lazy because you have lots of unfinished projects? You had the energy to start the projects, so I don't think laziness is the problem here. Look at each project and try to figure out why it's stalled. Maybe it's beyond your skill level. If so, you need outside help to finish it or else get some training or instruction to get past the problem.

Step 2

Have you considered that you might just be bored? Maybe life doesn't challenge you and you've settled into a rut. Make some changes, take up a new hobby, change your job, or otherwise shake things up. See if you feel more energetic once you are doing things that you feel a passion for.

Step 3

Do you get called lazy because you like to relax and gaze at the sunset? Hey, pat yourself on the back for not being so type A that you'll end up with a heart attack some day. More of us should learn to enjoy nature, sit and contemplate and not always be GO, GO, GO, all the time. Try to talk them into relaxing with you.

Step 4

Do you get called lazy because you spend hours each evening in front of the TV. Maybe the TV is actually an avoidance technique. Is your family life uncomfortable? Escaping from unruly kids, a nagging spouse, unpaid bills, a messy house, or other long-term problem could be the reason. Think about changing the dynamics. Go to marriage counseling, take up an activity with the kids to build rapport and respect, or try other solutions to change the way things are.

Step 5

If the computer eats up all your free time so that other tasks pile up, then you feel you must be lazy. Avoiding chores may be ingrained from childhood when it was your only way of resisting parental control. Now you're finding it burdensome to continue the behavior.Decide on some rewards for each chore waiting for your attention. Set the kitchen timer for 1/2 hour each evening. You can spare that much time from the addictive computer. Tackle a chore and work towards that reward.

Step 6
Check your blood pressure. Consider that there may be a physical reason that causes you to appear lazy. Poor nutrition and lack of exercise can sap your energy. A thryoid problem or low blood pressure might make you feel draggy. Depression results in physical slowing down and lack of motivation. These are all things that can be changed. Look into getting really healthy and see if it doesn't result in less "laziness."

Part 2 of "Girl who cried (skinny) wolf" - Sept 29/10

Today I had my free session at “MindBody FX” the missing link to permanent weight loss. It’s been 6 weeks since I got the book and coupon for the free session and I’ve read all of…one chapter of the book. Why? One could agrue that my desire to get healthy isn’t strong enough. That I’m too lazy. That I’m “too busy”. Basically, I just didn’t feel in the mood or in the right place to read the book. During my session today we discussed that and how I feel I’m not “ready” and the counsellor asked “When will you be ready?”. My answer “probably never”.

It’s the sad truth. Right now, I just don’t have the confidence and faith that I will EVER be that healthy, fit, balanced person that I want to be. But, as the consellor poined out, perhaps I just need to start this journey, take small steps, and eventually I will get there.

I have never been good at delayed gratification. If I want something, I want it now. If I’m craving a particular food, I don’t want it tomorrow or next week. If I hear of a movie or book that sounds interesting, I run out and get it. However, I am recognizing this flaw and trying to build delayed gratification into my life. I’m trying to plan more and be impulsive less. But again, it’s a journey.

To get started with the MindBody FX program, I had a few choices. The one I opted for, includes the following:

-12 weekly 1 hour group sessions (in Red Deer unfortunately),

-12 weekly check-in sessions with a counsellor,

-the MindBody FX program (which included 7 audio CDs, a workbook, a journal, 1 yoga DVD & 1 meditation CD).

I could have opted for a program that was just 1-on-1 (so I wouldn’t have to travel) but it was more expensive and I think in the long run I think I’ll get more growth and accountablity from being involved in the group sessions. My first session is Wednesday, Oct 13 @ 2pm and I am really looking forward to this. I’ve been searching for a program/system that focuses on the inner work that is needed for weight loss rather than just on eat this, move that. This program does not sell food or focus on supplements. And they claim to really want you to be successful on your own (whereas most programs do better when you’re not successful, and keep coming back for more).

I don’t “know” that this will work, but I know what results I will get if I don’t try it. And if I don’t keep trying, I will never suceed. If at first you don’t succeed, try try again!

We touched on a few key thoughts during my session. One of them being that I have felt overweight since at least 9 years old. That is about 20 years of negative feelings. These won’t be overcome overnight.

I really am limited by my weight (whether strictly by my perception or reality). I want to share with you, some of the things that motivate me, to get healthy and fit:

-I want to look forward to travelling, without being overly worried about the discomfort of an airplane seat,

-When I am in other countries and enviroments, I don’t want my activities limited by my lack of fitness,

-I want to set a healthy example to my child(ren), he (they) don’t deserve to have the same hang-ups I do,

-I want to be confident in my skills and abilities and not be worried about how my appearance may be allowing others to pre-judge me,

-I want to do ANYthing I want to, without having my appearance/weight hold me back.

I also saw an ad for a fitness class that is specifically geared for people who have 50+ lbs to lose and is modified for them. I plan on calling them tomorrow to learn more about it.

P.S. The competitor in me - Sept 27/10

My good friend Kyla, who has been an avid reader & commenter on my blogs, has started her own blog. This has so far, activated my ”competitive” spirit, to write more blogs! LOL, I only hope this continues as writing more consistently has always been my goal. I also hope we occassionaly inspire each other, so that “synergy” is happens and we create something bigger and better than ourselves individually.

Good luck on the blog Ky! I’ve enjoyed reading your posts and look forward to many more.

Here’s her link so you can check it out (after reading mine of course, ha ha):
http://blychroniclesandmore.blogspot.com/

Craving Change - Sept 27/10

In the past few weeks I have been craving change. You may think this crazy, as we just moved to a whole new city after almost ten years, which would be change enough for most people. However, though I am very happen with our move, I am still feeling like something is missing in my day-to-day life, some sort of fulfilment.

I talked to a friend of mine, who is in the process of adopting, and I thought maybe that is the project I’m looking for. I’ve always had it in my mind, that I would like to adopt. I brought up the subject with Tyler, who admitted that he wasn’t too comfortable with adopting – at least at this point in our lives. He fears that he wouldn’t be able to bond with a child not of our blood & bone. I am confident that he would be a wonderful father to any adoptive children, as he is very loving, but I just didn’t feel like pressing the point right now. A few other factors “scared” me off of this idea right now, 1) you have to have a seperate, dedicated room for an adopted child (and we currently have a 2 bdrm +den situation happening that I am happy with and don’t feel like changing), 2) it’s a very rigourous process and Tyler & I might not be mentally up for that as we are still adjusting to seeing each other daily, & 3) it can be financially draining and that may not be the best investment of our money right now. Final conclusion: the timing doesn’t seem right.

Next, I thought that maybe I am ready to try for baby #2. While in the past year, I was fairly certain I didn’t want another child, in the past month I have done a 180. The first thing to change my mind, is that we went to a playdate. During the playdate & for the rest of the day, Dexter was the happiest boy. He had a grin on his face that just wouldn’t go away and I loved that. Secondly, is that I really did love being pregnant, and I want that experience again. Third, is that things are starting to get less hectic with Dexter as he becomes more independent so I could see being able to handle it. Also, Dexter has brought so much happiness to my life, I’d really like to have another. When we’re old, I’d like to play the odds of having more than one child so that hopefully at least one of them will invite us over and take care of us LOL Those things considered, I don’t see us trying in the very near future. For one, I am still weaning from breastfeeding (down to once a day, first thing in the morning to buy me more sleep in time). So I’d like a little break, with my body to myself for a while. Also, though I want to be pregnant, I am dreading labour. This time around I’d like to be more prepared physically…i.e. lose some weight, develop some endurance and muscle mass. I think I would have a better labor experience if I was in shape and I also think the epidural would be more effective if I was at a healthier weight. I’m also hoping a new hospital with a better epidural guy will do the trick! Lastly, and most importantly, is that Tyler isn’t on board for baby #2 yet. It’s a little hard to get pregnant by yourself ha ha

Currently I am thinking some sort of career change. It looks like I’m coming to an end of my catalogue business days. I got a letter saying that if I didn’t submit $400 in orders for Everyday Style/Home & Gift by Sept 30, I’d no longer be active. I had an open house on Wednesday and so far only have $77 in sales from that. I also had two individual orders before that, bringing my total to $177…less than half of what I need. I have two people left who may order, and then I’ll know if I’m staying active or not. The thing is, that people just don’t seem that interested in it anymore. When I first started, there was a lot of interest and buyers, but now not so much. I loved aspects of it, such as writing up orders, figuring out party sales and benefits, entering orders into the computer, meeting new people. But I dreaded the “sales” end of things, making cold calls, pestering people and I was also terrible when it came to sorting orders and delivering products (super procrastinator). I often came home exhausted from a night of being “on” at parties and there was nothing more defeating than a low sales party. Plus I’m sure I routinely spent more than I ever earned. I’m happy for what the experience gave me (less shyness, business savy, and a trip to Greece), but I think it may be the end of this road…

Where does my new career road go? I’m not sure yet. I love money (sorry if that offends you, but I do), and I love having some sort of business purpose, but I don’t want sometime that takes me away from Dexter (& Tyler) too much. I want to find something that fulfils me, I’m passionate about, that utilizes my talents, skills and interests. I think its going to take some soul searching, researching and deep thought before I take my next step. Though, ultimately, I would love, Love, LOVE if I was the huge breadwinner in the family, so long as it didn’t take away FROM my family

Dessert First - Sept 23/10

On Tyler & my very first “date”, we went to Kelsey’s restaurant and I wanted both the ribs and an apple crisp but knew I didn’t have room for both. So I ordered & ate the crisp, then ordered the ribs to go. Tyler still talks about this date and says that he thought I was one weird duck, but obviously he didn’t mind as 10 years later we are still together (yep 10 years this October 17th).

I got thinking about it today, that my philosophy is to “Eat Dessert First”. I don’t mean it in the clique way of seize the day for there may not be a tomorrow. Rather, I come from it at the angle of, do what you want, standard conventions be damned. Enjoy life! If eating my apple crisp at the restaurant and having my ribs later made me happy, then who the heck cares?

It’s so easy to do things unconsciously by the book then to go against the grain. Right now I am striving to follow what makes me happy, rather than what I perceive to be expected of me.

Sleeping in Crib? - Sept 1/10

Well I wrote a little over a week ago, about my excitement of Dexter sleeping in his own crib. It worked as a great jinx as Dex threw huge tantrums and was unconsolable the next two times I tried to put him in there (both for daytime naps). I caved and let him sleep with us both Monday & Tuesday last week.

After that, I came to the conclusion that I just need to be tough, learn from my mistakes (by not going in the room, period after we put him in the crib), and to just work on the night time sleeping.

It has been working fairly well. Dexter is getting a bit more used to sleeping in the crib as now he doesn’t cry as much. I should specify, that by “as much” I mean as long, though he has increased the intensity of the crying. Tonight, for example though, he cried for about 3 minutes maybe. Then calmed down and soon after fell asleep.

I turn on a lava lamp for him so he has some light, and we have a radio that plays some mellow music and both those things help me feel better about him sleeping in his room.

I’m happy to say that he is officially “sleeping through the night” now. Today he slept in his crib until after 8am, an improvement from 7:15 yesterday and 6:45 the few days before that. Being the night owl that I am, I bring Dex into bed with me in the morning so I can get an extra hour or two of sleep before we officially start the day but all in all I’m happy with our progress.

Dexter's Birthday - Sept 1/10

Dexter’s birthday is fast approaching and with it, his birthday party. It’s officially Septebmer 1 which means there are only, GASP, 17 days until the party. I’ve been delaying too much planning as I don’t want to go overboard but I think I need to start focusing on it a little.

I’ve tried to limit the guest list to a small group but it’s not too easy to do. I’m sure we’ll have lots of fun with whomever can come.

I want to do a Monkey theme so if y’all have any Food Menu ideas, or Goodie Bag ideas, please share. I’ll probably keep decorating to a minimum since I’m not a fan of setting it up or taking it down ha ha So when you’re out shopping please keep your eyes open for cute monkey themed, banana themed, or jungled themed items. I’ve googled it and have a few ideas for food: chocolate dipped frozen bananas, Chunky Monkey ice cream, Jungle Trail Mix…

With Dex turning just 1, and us having a smaller house, I’m unsure what to “ask for” for his birthday. He’s too young to really appreciate presents and I don’t want to assume people are bringing them but if/when they ask I don’t know what to say. Primarily, I’d love RESP contributions but it’s “tacky” to ask for money. Clothes are usually great, but he’s also got quite a few hand-me-downs from Brandy/Ethan so he doesn’t exactly need them (nor do we have a lot of room for them). Kyla is making Dexter a “Monkey Cake” so that solved the cake dilemmna for me plus acts as a gift from them so that’s awesome. I’m pretty sure my mom is going to give him RESP money (as she told me she is LOL). At the playdate today Dexter seemed most intrigued with a toy cell phone as well as two hand-held plastic balls. The balls were the hit of the playday ha ha

From us, I’d like to find a really nice toy chest for Dexter’s room as well as something nice to act as a small toy chest for our living room. Again, if you see any, please let me know!

Making New Connections - Sept 1/10

A couple weeks ago I joined a group called “Leduc Mommy Mingle” through meetup.com, a group for Mom’s to get together with and without their kids.

Today I was finally able to work an activity into our lives and it was a playdate. The host had a little boy, who is exactly 1 month older than Dexter. Another mom came with her little girl who is 2 days younger than Dex and then there was a 15 month old girl. It was lots of fun for me to see the kids interact (somewhat) especially with the close age span. The kids mostly played beside each other rather than with each other but Dexter had a grin on his face almost the whole time. Warms my heart! I’ve signed up for a few more playdates and even to host one next week. I think this is a great way to meet like-minded people here in this community.

I happen to know there is a Red Deer group as well as I had joined it shortly before me moved. I am sure there are lots of groups (of all varieties, not just for mom’s), so if you are looking for some new interaction I recommend giving it a try.

Tax Free $avings Account - Aug 23/10

This week, after some research, I decided that our Emergency Fund would be best kept in a “Tax Free Savings Account” for three reasons.1) It earns interest (2% on the account I chose).2) The money is very easily accessible WITHOUT penalties.3) There is no real risk of principal loss (meaning the money I put in isn’t at risk like it would be in an investment).

I also decided to open my account with INGdirect.ca as they had the best advertised rate, there are no fees with the account and there are no penalties for withdrawing your money (unlike most of the regular banks like TD, CIBC, BMO, etc). ING direct also has a special referral bonus for BOTH people signing up with a referral code and those who referred it (with minimum $100 first deposit kept for 1 month). I used my friend Kyla’s code so I got the $25 dollars and Kyla should get it either in 1 months time or right away. Hey it’s like free money! If you’d like to take advantage of this, my Orange Key Code is: 35203307S1. Use it to get your own $25 and I’ll also get it too (thanks!). Signing up is quite quick and painless. All is done online within 5 minutes, with the exception of the first deposit which has to be mailed in (but is processed very quickly – within a couple business days). Once the cheque is received, you can transfer money online from the account which the cheque comes from & sign up or edit your automatic payments.

ING direct has many other accounts too, which you may find useful.

Emergencies Funds: it’s recommended that you should have 3-6 months of income set aside for short & long term emergencies. This is quite a lot of money and can seem overwhelming. To this I say “any one can eat an elephant, one bite at a time”. That might creep you out, lol, but essentially I’m saying to start with what you can ($25, $50, $100) and autocontribute it once a month (or with every paycheque). Then if emergency strikes, it’s better to have some savings, than none at all!

A little extra info on Tax Free Savings Accounts (TFSA):

-you have to be 18 to start one,

-you can contribute a maximum of $5000 per year,

-your earnings are tax free but there are no tax refunds for contributions (like there is with RRSPs),

-interests rates are fairly low, but higher than your average savings/chequing account,

-you can set up automatic withdrawals so that you are “paying yourself first” as they say.

Some progress - Aug 23/10

I recently wrote that Dexter was still sleeping with us and still nursing. Tyler has been spordically harrassing me to get Dexter into his crib and the last time I said “if you want him in the crib, go ahead and do it.” As I feel it’s both our responsibility to work on it – not just mine. So this Saturday, while we had Mary & Tyrone over to play some games, Dexter was really crabby and ready for a nap (for which I would normally probably nurse him to sleep and then be out of commission as he’d be napping on me). Tyler just up and put Dexter in his crib, set up the moniter, and then closed the door to his room. Dexter cried, but not near as long as I expected. It was definitely hard to listen to, and not run to him, but again not as hard as I expected. Then Dexter had a really great nap of a few hours.

That evening, Tyler again put Dexter in his crib and this time he cried for a very short amount. Like 10-15 minutes. Then he slept for 5-6 hours straight again! This afternoon, Dexter had another nap in the crib so then tonight, excited over all the success we’d had so far, I was very confident to put Dex in his crib for bedtime. The process took about 30 minutes from placing him in there to deep sleep so I’m pretty satisfied with that.

I really hate the idea of Dexter feeling “abandoned” in his crib, but hopefully it’ll be a short term pain with long term benefits as Tyler suggests. The fact that his crying bouts are relatively short, and that there are pauses as he listens to hear if we’re coming, help me feel like we’re doing the right thing. Also the level of crying is probably a 6 or 7 on a scale of 1 – 10 which I can handle. If it was full out 10 or even close then I may have pulled the plug on the idea.

I’m nervous that it’s going to be a transistion before I am as well rested as I was, but the bonus is that Dexter napping in his crib during the day would really free me up to do some of my “To Do” items that I’ve been wanting to focus on. Also, by avoiding nursing to sleep it helps me wean Dexter as well!

My little man is growing so fast - Aug 21/10

Dexter is 11 months old as of today (well yesterday technically but I haven’t went to sleep yet). I’ve made some birthday invitations for him and sent them out but I am still flabbergasted that I’m planning his first birthday party! It’s a very cliche comment to say they grow up too fast…but it’s TRUE!

He took his first steps a few days before we moved out of our old place in Red Deer and he’s been walking strong for a little while now. In fact he’s getting really good at staying standing while he bends over to pick things up – we are so proud Oh and he’s really starting to pick up speed now.

Dex still has shorter legs and a longer body, and I love playing up this fact with shorts. I think he looks just adorable in them as they look too long to be shorts and too short to be pants. He looks like the cutest little man, putzing around the house.

I joined a Leduc Mommy group on a meetup website this week that is suppose to be really active. I’m looking forward to meeting some other mommies and for Dexter to have some play time with other kids. He is so fascinated by them as he sees them when we’re out and about. I’ve also been looking on Kijiji for a casual/part time sitter to watch Dexter when I need to get things done (such as dental appointments or some other errands). I met with one lady, Kendra, on Thursday who has a 3 year old boy Logan. I have at least two others I’d like to meet too. Its so hard to know if someone is trustworthy. Like this Kendra seems really nice and responsible, but “realistically” she could be a baby snatcher. You just never know. But…I’d like to remain positive (and on the side of statistics) and hope that she really just wants to hear a few bucks babysitting. One of the catches of having a beautiful child is that you really can believe that someone would want to steal him!

That’s about it on the Dexter update. And if you’re wondering if:

a) we’re on a schedule,
b) if he’s still nursing, and
c) is he still sleeping with us.

The answers are no, yes & yes…without apologies. As of right now, this works for our life, and when it is no longer working (or maybe a bit sooner) we will work on making changes then. One of the key things I’m learning as a mom is that I was VERY judgemental before and that you just don’t know 99% of someone’s situation until you’ve lived it yourself. Now, please don’t misunderstand, I am still probably pretty judgemental, but I am working on trying to be less so.

Further comments on point b) I’m not super happy about still nursing, but I’m not yet ready for the “hard work” that may be involved to get Dex to sleep without nursing. It currently works really well as a comfort tool, and he seems like such a happy baby right now.

Further comments on point c) I just really love having Dexter beside me throughout the night. I love having him close and it bothers my heart to think of him “alone” in his crib in his room. This is something I need to work thru before I’ll be ready to do the work to help him sleep on his on. I need to be confident in it before I’ll be useful in helping him be confident in it. The two major drawbacks are the amount of room in our bed seems to be shrinking (as he grows and we only have a queen), and #2 is that it doesn’t benefit my marital relationship.

Okay, time for me to log off the ol’ computer and try to get some sleep. Later folks.

Wayne Dyer's "10 Secrets for Success & Inner Peace" - May 20/10

I read the book. Now here are my favorite passages to note:

-”As Michelangelo sugestd, the greater danger is not that your hopes are too high and you fail to reach them; it’s that they’re too low and you do.”

-”Suppose you had a choice between two magic wands. With Wand A, you can have any physical thing you desire by simply waving it. With Wand B, you can have a sense of peace for the rest of your life regardless of what circumstances arise. Which would you pick? If you opt for peace, you already have Wand B.”

-”You can end any and all suffering by reminding yourself that nothing in the universe is personal.”

-”My purpose is about giving. I’ll direct my thoughts off of me, and spend the next few hours looking for a way to be of service to anyone or any creature…”

-”Place your thoughts on what it is you’d like to become – an artist, a musician, a computer programmer, a dentist, or whatever. In your thoughts, begin to picture yourself having the skills to do these things. No doubts. Only a knIowing. Then begin acting as if these things are already reality. As an artist, your vision allows you to draw, to visit art museums, to talk with famous artists, and to immerse yourself in the art world. In other words, you begin to act as an artist in all aspects of life…taking charge of your own destiny at the same time that you’re cultivating inspiration.”

-In regard to your children “Catch them doing things right.”

-Expect more/the best from others and that’s what you’ll get. Others live up to the expectations you set for them.

-”To live in guilt is to use up your present moments being immobilized over what has already transpired. No amount of guilt will ever undo what’s been done.”

Trading Spouses - May 2010

This week we have my friend Kyla’s hubby, Michael staying with us. By us, I mean Dexter & I as Tyler is still working in Fort Saskatchewan during the week. When Kyla first called on Sunday & asked us if Michael could stay here I was a little bit nervous about one-on-one time with Michael but other than that there was really no reason not to allow him to stay. We have a spare room & a spare bathroom for him to solely use and realistically I haven’t really seen Michael too much over the few days so far.

On Monday he ended up geting out of school early so he went home for the night so his first night here was on Tuesday. He shared the supper I made and we watched “the Men Who Stare at Goats” (which wasn’t as funny as I had hoped it would be but was okay). We chit chatted a bit and then he showered and basically went to bed. Wednesday he visited some friends, got here, chit chatted a little and then showered/bed again. Today/Thursday, is Michael’s birthday so I wanted to make him some birthday cake. My first attempt didn’t turn out as I planned, so I baked a second cake that was very yummy. And that was the end of our week.

Michael ended up staying a second week with us. And although he really didn’t affect us, I think just having a differnce in our routines really affected Dexter. For instance, I was concerned about how much noise Dexter was making and if it was bugging Michael. So I was shushing Dex all week. He was especially grumpy, possibly from cutting teeth too.

Anyhoo, I felt like I was on trading spouses cuz Tyler was in Fort Sask and Michael was staying with us LOL

Short, quick blogs - May 10/10

BC in BC

So my biological contributor Kevin, or my BC as I call him, had a birthday last week. I thought I should text him happy birthday on his mobile which I did. I didn’t get a response so I messaged him on Facebook as well & mentioned that maybe I don’t have the most accurate cell number. Turns out he’s living in Vancouver, not in Grimshaw as I had thought. Wow! How nice of him to keep in touch enough for me to know he’s living in a whole other province!

Go Big or Go Home

We still haven’t had any offers on our house. We have dropped our price to $298,900 and my realtor thinks we should drop it even more as realtors always say that it’s the price that’s the problem. What I don’t understand is, if the price is “too high” for the market, why doesn’t an interested buyer just give us an offer for less money? List price is simply an “asking price”. It must have something to do with the psychology of it. Anyway, I’ve been doing lots of reading online of how to help sell our house and I find an interesting alternative to dropping our price.It was suggested on one website, that instead of dropping the price, instead increase the commissions on the Buying Agent’s side. This will create more motivation for agents with buyers to bring their clients to our house and should increase traffic. The net financial effect is the same for us as dropping our price, but it’s a different strategy so hopefully it’ll generate different results for us. Einstein is quoted as saying that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing & expecting a different result. So we’re trying something new! The official new ammendment is “Sellers will buy a $4000 bonus to the Buyer’s Agent that brings them an acceptable offer by May 25, 2010.” The deadline gives an added urgency to it, plus doesn’t leave us holding the bag forever. *Fingers Crossed* this will do the job!

Consistently Inconsistent

I have lots of ideas, goals & ambitions but I find that I haven’t yet been consistent with anything. Like seriously…anything! I’m going to google “how to stay motivated” and/or “How to stop being lazy” and see if I get any good results. I’ll keep you posted

Fat for a Reason

On the same lines, I am missing my baby belly for a few reasons.

1. It was nice to be “fat” for a good reason.

2. Baby bellies are nice and hard versus soft and fluffy as my belly is now.

3. My baby belly was “drawing” fat from other places in my body making my face appear slimmer.

4. What was inside the baby belly was a lot more fun than just plain old fat. It was fun to feel and see baby movements.But this should not be taken to mean that I want to be pregnant again right now…just want to be less fat