I'm Not Perfect

Tyler and I had quite the emotionally intense discussion tonight. It's going to be a little difficult to write a blog correctly about this discussion as I can't remember exactly how it went, or what was said when, so I'm going to just try to summarize the gist of it, please bear with me.

It started this afternoon, with me telling my Mom that I was thinking about trying for child #2 about six months down the road.  She had what I would call a negative reaction by saying "I'm really surprised" and "I'm just enjoying Dexter, I don't want to share him." She wasn't enthusiastic at all. This surprise me, and honestly hurt me a bit. I didn't know how to take it.

So tonight, after Tyler & I got home from a movie while my parents watched Dexter, my parents went out looking for a casino. I turned to Tyler to tell him about my conversation with my Mom and see if he'd help me figure out the meaning behind it when he said he basically didn't want to have another kid and said "How does it makes sense to have another kid right now?" I pointed out that I wasn't saying right now, I was saying 6 months down the line to try, which means at least another 9 months before baby arrives after that (so at least 15 months down the line, if not more). He proceeded to ask me how it made sense. I was like well, I want to have another. He interrupted me and said "so what if you want one, how does it make sense". I'm like well, it'd be good for Dex to have a sibling, and he said again "These are just your wants. They don't justify having another child. So, how does it make sense?" At this point I was getting frustrated, feeling like I was getting an emotional slap after every thing I said. So I told him "What do you mean by sense? What are you looking for?" I never really got my answer to this, but it boiled down to Tyler not thinking we could handle another kid, but really mostly meaning that he didn't think that I could handle another kid.

As I write those words, I still feel really hurt by what he's saying. To me, that translates to "You're not being a good enough Mom to Dexter." I think for most moms, that is the single most hurtful thing you can say to them. Woman, in general, have a natural tendancy to do more for others than themselves, and moms especially tend to try to do everything to give their kids a good life. Of course, being my own worst critique (or so I thought), I am always striving to be a better person in every avenue of my life. I am constantly striving to do better and be better.

As an example, right now I am reading books & learning about money and investing. I have enrolled in a program to improve my health and am reading books and listening to CDs for that program. I have begun looking for physcial activies and attending them. I am working on keeping my house in a cleaner state and preparing interesting and healthy meals for supper every night. Dexter has a bit more of a schedule by sleeping in his crib every night, only nursing once a day if that, and having yogurt and a banana for breakfast every morning (a healthy breakfast I think). I am currently trying to solve the daily naps issue as I am now resorting to drives to get him to have good naps and the hitting phase he seems to be in right now. I have joined a Mommy club to be more social and meet people and help Dexter be more socialized with other kids. I have been blogging more to express my creative side as well as reading fiction for fun. I keep in touch with a lot of my family and friends via phone, texting, email and facebook and visits. And I am seeking out ways to earn money that follows my passions.  I also worry about my marital relationship and try to think of ways to improve it and find the time and energy to do that.

I am currently working on each and every aspect of my being...And I feel like I have improved. I feel like I have gotten a better handle on my spending, that I don't induldge in stuff as much, that I am less selfish than I was before Dexter came along. I am looking for ways to enjoy life without spending as much money (like dying my hair at home instead of through a stylist).  Most of every day, Dexter is happy, healthy and content. He does have melt downs but they tend to be from tiredness as he hasn't seemed to figure out how to calm down and go to sleep when he's tired.  I am also trying to continue purging my "stuff" and try to lead a more simplistic life. Basically, I was feeling really good about most things in my life and the journey I am on.

But I can't help but wonder, if two of the people with the biggest roles in my life, have doubts about me being able to handle two kids...what does that mean? How does that reflect on me as a person and as a mom? I can't be committed to self-improvement without taking an objective look at myself and what this means...

No, I'm not perfect. There are lots of things I would like to improve about my role as a Mom.  For one, I wish I could be more devoted to Dexter. Like I wish that my mind didn't have a million other interests and responsiblities. But I really feel that my role during the day includes tidying the house, making supper, getting dressed/ready, looking after my pets and the household tasks (like paying bills) and pursuing some of my own interests in addition to spending time with Dexter. I think most Moms would agree, that although Daddy time generally gets to be just playing with the kids, Mommy time tends to be more multi-task oriented.

Secondly I wish I had more energy and wasn't so lazy and self-absorbed. I do still find pleasure in tasks just for me (like reading, socializing, watching TV, researcing ideas, thoughts, philosophies), but maybe I need to find a better balance of this.

Third, I wish I was more consistent and structured. Studies a plenty show that kids flourish the most with well defined schedules and while we have more of a schedule, we still don't have much of a routine.  Some of the ways Dexter "suffers" is that we don't have daily baths and we don't really brush his teeth, and he probably doesn't consume the right variety of foods for his needs (like I cannot get him to drink milk). I know that I need to get a handle on these things as these are life skills that Dexter needs to become a contributing member of society.  So far he hasn't seemed to suffer any long term damage from my "fuck ups"...but the sooner I get a handle on them the better.

While I am fully willing to take responsiblity for my suckiness, when will Tyler step up to the plate for his? I think he feels that he does his Daddy job by working and providing for our life financially. While I am ever so greatful for this, I think the role of a modern Daddy doesn't stop here. I think every child needs a very present Dad in their lives. I was always very vocal about how I wanted someone who was a very involved Daddy, participating in diaper changes, bath time, bed time, etc. In general Tyler is pretty good at this.  It doesn't take too much prodding for him to do a dirty diaper, and compared to some Dads I know (*cough* Tyrone) he pulls his weight without too much complaining. I just find that if Tyler feels that something should have been done or done a certain way, he bitches as me when he is just as capable of just doing the thing he is bitching about. Like he'll say "the dogs are out of water!". Okay, so fill up their bowl. Why does it have to turn into a "you're a bad person cuz you didn't pay attention to the water bowl level of the dogs and they are dying from thirst".  I'm sure some of it is my over-reaction to feeling judged by Tyler all the time, but I truly feel that between his tone, look and frequency of these type of sentences, that I'm not too far off the mark. 

So I guess, in addition to Tyler's comments hurting me, they just plain piss me off. Like where are his self-help books? Why isn't he researching the way to bring romance back into our lives? I admit that our relationship isn't where it was or what is should be, but I only take responsibility for my part. It takes two to tango, and right now, no one is on the dance floor. Instead of being negative about things, condescending and blaming when things go wrong, I really wish he would be solution oriented as well as take responsibility for his contributions (or lack thereof). Anyone can point out a problem, the real hero is the person who figures out how to solve it. It really annoys me that I am wanting to improve and grow and he seems content staying the same.

I pointed out to Tyler that I really feel that my life has changed much more than his has. Not to be competitive about it, but to prove a point that if my life has changed more and I want another child, then why can't he be on board? One of the reasons I'm saying we should try in 6 months, is so that we can work towards being where we want to be before we have another child. For me, I want to be in better shape, more organized and have a better harmony in my life. I also want to savor the one-on-one time I have with Dexter now.

A tiny segway...Tyler seems to be very discontented right now with me. Tonight I told him something I had heard on an Oprah show a few years back. There was a woman on Oprah that said, her husband was driving her crazy. Every little thing he did, didn't do, said and didn't say annoyed her. When she started reading "the Secret" she realized that she had control of this problem. Her current perspective was that he was annoying and thus everything about him was annoying to her. When she started to work on being positive and focus on the things she liked and loved about him, it had a snowball effect and she started to fall back in love with him. Now they are happier then they ever have been. I want to do this, but it's a 2-way street and I feel Tyler needs to do the same.  It's very difficult to have a one sided relationship and if he's not willing to put in the effort then things will only get worse. I can't be a good wife, if I don't feel appreciated as a wife, mother and person.

When I was discussing the 6 months thing, I said that just because I'm saying at least 6 months, doesn't mean it has to happen in exactly 6 months. To which Tyler responded, "of course we do, because that's how you are, you plan and things have to go according to your plan." Well that made me mad, cuz really, if you know me, then you know I'm a planner, right? I don't think I can change that about me and to be honest, I don't know that I want to. Its part of my authentic self and if you don't like it, maybe it's your problem? If you can't love me for me, again, maybe that's your problem? Also, isn't a plan much better than a spring something on you and I want it now?

Then somehow we got to talking about how I'm only excited about things for 2-3 months then I'm not so much. How I've tried businesses and failed, how I've missed lots of goals. So I said "well at least if you aim for goals and miss, at least that's better then never having goals at all." He's like, yeah that's what people say but I don't know if that's true, cuz you never finish anything. Like I've never accomplished anything? I finished high school, and then finished college with a diploma and great marks. I have stayed in this relationship, got married, had a beautiful son (who I still love and am very enthusiastic about). I have excelled at pretty much every job I've had and to this day believe my old bosses would hire me back (with a couple exceptions). Each office I temped in loved me and I have many more good, positive relationships then bad ones. In fact, most of my negative relationships have since been repaired (thanks in part to facebook).  I had a goal to move closer to Tyler's work or have the work move closer to us and I'm the one who put in the work to make that happen.

What annoys me most, is that I shouldn't have to prove my worthiness to my husband. Our vows are suppose to mean that we are loving and supportive of each other. That we are each other's biggest fans, rooting for them in every thing they do. It's very hard to be successful when the person you spend your life with every day, is your biggest nay-sayer. And it's impossible to explain this to him because whenever you talk about such emotional stuff you cry which causes him to be defensive and shut down.

I know I'm not perfect. About a month ago Tyler told me he wanted to work out with a buddy from work, in Fort Saskatchewan. I sort of freaked out saying that he wouldn't get home til like 8 or 8:30 and that would make life very difficult for me so that was selfish of him. However, either later that night or the next day I apologized and said if it was important to him then I should be supportive in him doing that. So last week he started that. On Monday he got home about 8:30, Tuesday he ended up having tire problems so didn't get home until 10pm, Wednesday night he was busy at home catching up on all the things he didn't have time to do on Monday & Tuesday. Thursday rolls around and Dexter was super grumpy and agitated so I asked Tyler to come straight home instead to help me out with Dex. Dex ended up going to bed by the time Tyler got home and stayed there all night. Friday turned out to be a day off for Tyler, but he ended up spending most of the day (10:30-6pm) working on the car and it's tires in St. Albert. So...by the end of this week, I basically felt like I was a single mom all week. So as much as I want to be supportive of Tyler's endevours, it's a real pain in my ass.

 

Anytime anything goes wrong lately, it seems to be "my fault". If a glass gets spilled, Dexter falls, or if the dogs run out of water...then "I need to pay more attention".  Well guess what? I put in a full day too and when Tyler gets home, I like to think that we are sharing responsibility for the things that are going on - good & bad.

I don't know, am I just repeating myself at this point? I'm more than willing to work on everything, to continue to try to improve myself and our lives...but I'm beginning to wonder, if I'll ever meet Tyler's expectations?

Wow, this has turned out to be a very RAW blog.  I have used it to think through my feelings and vent my thoughts fully without opposition from Tyler during the process.  Please don't misinterpret this blog to mean I don't love Tyler, because I do love him very much and am very committed to spending the rest of my life with him. I simply think we are in a pretty rough spot right now, and need some strong effort from both of us to get back to the strong relationship we have when we are on the same side...instead of spinning our wheels in the mud and going no where but deeper in the pit.

I really want to get this shit sorted out, so that we can have a happier marriage for us and a happier family life for Dexter and (hopefully) a future child.