A Fork in the Road

Amongst the many changes that that come with losing Wentworth, is that the next year of my life has suddenly become open ended. I say a year, because if it's advisable and possible to get pregnant again, my due date is likely at least a year away. Timeline: I have to wait until January 30th to get information back from my doctor and that will be my 6 weeks post partum check-up. From there we may be able to start trying immediately or wait anywhere from the 3-6 months post partum mark depending on medical recommendations. There is also no guarantee how long conceiving will take, and gestation is generally 9 months.

So...originally I had planned to be at home with Dexter and Baby Boy #2 (I say it like that because we wouldn't have chosen the name Wentworth without this unique circumstance) for at least a year. Now, I don't know if I should continue to stay home with Dexter or pursue working outside the home or even from the home. I don't really have a problem staying busy at home between my Mommy Group, being a mom and being a wife. But the question is, am I emotionally & intellectually fulfilled by staying home? And is it financially feasible for me to stay at home right now?

Cons of going back to work:

-If Tyler is working then Dexter would be in a day home or day care. However, if Dexter gets sick then I would likely have to take time off of work to be home with him. Unless of course, I had some sort of back-up childcare like a possible other Mommy who was willing to take him when he's sick. SO, I'd have to find a job where they were willing to work with that. Not necessarily an easy task.

-Other than temping work, I haven't had a "job" since December 2007. That's a long time! It would be a huge adjustment to me to have to get up each morning, get myself and Dexter ready and be at work. It would also be a huge adjustment for me to be responsible to someone else with my time and energy. Not to mention the adjustment of learning rules, regulations, responsibilities, etc. I'm not sure if I'm up for that.

-It would really take a bite out of my Mommy Mingle social life, which I thoroughly enjoy. The majority of the playdates are during the weekday so we would no longer be able to attend those. I could always host weekend playdates myself, but I would definitely feel as though I am missing out as I wouldn't see my regular friends as much.

-The structure and socializing of child care for Dexter should mostly be positive. Though kids in day care tend to be sick more often from more exposure and I also run the risk of other people's morals influencing my child more than my own. Boo on that. It's also a possibility that Dexter could pick up the other kids' bad habits.

Pros of going back to work:

-Money obviously. Though numbers would have to be crunch on child care vs. salary to see exactly how much I actually would be bringing in.

-Emotional fulfillment of socializing on a daily basis with other adults. I do get a lot of this from my friends right now, but it may be nice to expand my social circle. However, socializing with other Mom's and their families is a lot more complimentary to our life right now (i.e. it's less stressful to have my kid at someone's house who has kids than a single person's).

-Intellectual/mental fulfillment: I really miss some of the mundane work I did and the resulting ego boost it gave me. I've always enjoyed change and learning new things and contributing to 'society' in a measurable way (mommyhood is so overlooked and underappreciated). For the most part I feel like I have excelled at each job I have held and made many positive relationships within each job so working has usually be a positive experience.

-Structure wise, it has been good for me to have a job. I tend to be more efficient and productive people. The old adage that busy people get things done is true for me.

At the end of the day, it is way too soon for me to make any decisions. I worry that I'll choose something (such as work) just to fill the void that has been created and that might not be a good thing. I want to make the decision being truly behind it, because I don't want to regret it two weeks down the road and then have the backlash that would come with that (burnt bridges, lost deposits or payments, etc).

Pet Peeve

I frequently talk about how Dexter is such a busy & inquisitive child. From observing other kids in my group, his behavior seem normal, but I still sometimes find it exhausting as I'm more of a passive person and so is Tyler. What irritates me is when people feel the need to say things like "just wait soon you'll have two of them" or "how will you handle two?"

First of all, I am not popping out another toddler. Babies, while needy, are very good at staying on one place & not getting into everything. When baby #2 grows to Dexter's age, Dexter will be older and hopefully past the crazy toddler busy-ness though I'm sure onto other adventures.

Secondly, each child is unique with their own personalities and quirks. While we just may get a Dexter carbon copy, it is more likely that he'll have his own temperament and new challenges to go with it.

Thirdly, I am anxious enough about how our lives are changing again and how I'm going to need to learn, grow and adapt again. I don't need other people's negativity to add to that, especially when it's too late to change our minds! Luckily a few of my friend have had second babies and all appear to be not only surviving but enjoying themselves as well. I remember a time when I had no kids and was completely baffled by how I would add a child to the mix. We did it once successfully!

Irritable New Dynamics

Tyrone (my brother-in-law) has a new girlfriend, Bobbie. I met her for the first time this summer and have seen her on a few occasions now. She's nice enough but something about her drives me crazy. I find her immature acting, and quite negatively opinionated. Tyrone calls her down a lot and she allows it, which I'm not cool with. Then this weekend and last weekend I've noticed that she interferes with my parenting which drives me bananas. If I am in the room, it is up to me to tell my child when he can and cannot do. If we are at Mary's house then she is qualified to intervene as well, but Tyrone and Bobbie are not welcome to say "Dexter don't touch that" "Finish your supper" or "You have to ask for that".

For a time, Tyrone was getting to a point where he wasn't so condescending and bossy, where I could tolerate him. Well he is right back to where I can't stand him anymore. We were meant to host a Christmas party today with Kyla, Shelley & families but due to the weather they couldn't make it. I decided to invite Mary, Tyrone & Bobbie over as they were all in Edmonton so supper wouldn't go to waste. I found myself being rude in that I could barely hold a conversation with Bobbie and Tyrone nor make eye contact with them because they were so irritating. For Christmas this year we are set up to share a cabin with them for four days! I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it. They've also invited us for New Year's but there is no way I'll be able to tolerate them so soon after...plus that's not how I want to spend my New Year's!!

Bonus Ultrasound: 32 Weeks

Baby boy is head down but sunny side up (same as Dexter, which causes painful back labour) - hopefully I can get him to flip the other way. He measured about 4 lbs which she said is in the 50% percentile - perfectly average! What I found weird is she said he measured 33 weeks 6 days, by my count I was 32 weeks. She said something about me being in my 33 week? Who knows...anyway, we'll see if it impacts baby's arrival date or not.