My Shell Station Boost

Whenever possible, Tyler & I try to fuel up at Shell Stations so that we can collect air miles. As a bonus, the one closest to our house in Red Deer, was also full serve - a large benefit in winter time.

Over five years, as you can imagine, we got to know the "Shell Station Guys". I'm not good with accents, etc but I'd say that at least some of them are from Afghanistan & some are possibly East Indian. Anyway, they were always uber nice to me calling me "pretty lady" or complimenting my smile & telling me how nice & friendly I was to them. Once one guy even said that the sun shines on the days I come in. It was always a boost to my day.

When we moved to Leduc I told them I was moving but that I'd come in whenever I was back - and I have tried. Each time they have been just as excited to see me. Just this last time, there was a new guy pumping fuel & I snuck in to look at the beverages in the back. The guy on till shouts out "is that a pretty lady I see back there?" Or something to that effect.

Anyway, its just nice to have that kind of experience sometimes. It definitely made my day on Wednesday.

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MindBody Progress: Halfway Mark

I can't believe I am halfway through my MindBody program. It's both depressing and encouraging.

It's depressing cuz I, in my overly optimistic hope, wanted to be a brand new person by now. And it's encouraging because in some ways I am.

When I started, 6 weeks ago, I was doing about zero exercise. I might have gone for the occassional walk, but it was more to get Dexter to take a nap, rather than for the physical benefits. Now, it is my goal to do some exercise daily. I don't make it every day but my average is about 6/7 days a week. Most of those days I do much more than the minimum, and I make it a personal goal to challenge myself within the exercise (like going for harder levels, etc).  This week I rented "the Biggest Loser" for my Wii and have been doing some of the activities on there. Last night I did a custom routine I made for myself and was disappointed cuz I didn't think I had sweat enough...well today I am sore in many places so I must have worked hard in a non-sweating way!

I have listened to a mediation or hypnosis CD almost everyday (sometimes twice a day), working on my mindset. These last few days I have had very little appetite and I am wondering if I can attribute that to the hypnonsis CD which I just added recently. That being said, my issue hasn't necessarily been eating for hunger, it's been eating sweets for the heck of it. I've begun working on the awareness of my eating (keeping a food journal of when & what I eat, but not how much), and by simply being conscious of my eating I believe I have cut down on some overeating. In the past, it would not be unusual for me to have sweet treats like 4-6 times a day. Now I would say I'm down to about twice a day, or not at all. But mostly the once or twice a day.

Just in the last two weeks I've been working on getting more veggies into my daily meals. My goal is 2 servings per day as a minimum, and if I get more, awesome!  I do enjoy eating veggies, but keeping things fresh and exciting is challenging. For a long time, I have bought my lettuce in the organic plastic boxes because I don't like to wash it and it seems the freshest of the pre-packaged. Yesterday I got the "herb mix" box rather than my typical romaine lettuce and I have to say, it's pretty wonderful. I was scared off by the variety in it, but after getting a pita from the Extreme Pita that contained mixed greens and enjoying it, I thought I'd give it a try. So glad I did! 

Pre-packaged lettuce is expensive and may seem very wasteful, but in my mind, I would much rather pay the extra dollars to have something I will use rather than lettuce that goes to die in my crisper unused. Or I end up throwing half of it out cuz I am REALLY picky about the quality of my leaves.

So, as my coach Jen keeps telling me, I am doing great so far. My instinct is to be critical and go straight for what I am not yet doing, or what I am doing poorly, but the goal of the program is long-term success and building habits for life. I can't approach this program in the same way I have done in the past and likewise I won't have the short term instant results.

At my weigh in last week, the scale finally showed some movement and happily it was downward. I was very excited to see some results but again my negativity had me thinking "oh one wrong step and I'll gain that back" and "that 4lbs is pretty measly compared to what i need to lose" and "4lbs in 5 weeks - pretty pathetic". It's really easy to step back into that negative mindset. Likely, my coach is there with a safety net to show me how proud I should be of my achievements and to continue moving forward.

I'm sad that I have "only" 6 weeks left. Within the program, I have to email Jen daily with a report of my success or failure regarding my goals that day and my goals for the next day. That accountability is so vital to my success so far. I have a reminder set on my blackberry to email her and many, many nights it has been me at 11pm doing my 5, 10, 20 minutes of exercise so that I can email her my success rather than my failure. I'm worried I will slip if I don't have that anymore.

On my agenda for the upcoming weeks:

-continue exercising and challenging myself to work out longer (up to a point), harder, and smarter,

-continue to choose water over non-hydrating beverages more often,

-continue choosing fresh, healthful foods rather than sweets and junk more often,

-continue reflecting inward to meet my soul's needs appropriately rather than stuffing it down with food.

Swan Lake review

On Monday night I went into Edmonton to see the Moscow Ballet's presentation of Swan Lake. I was excited and nervous for several reasons, 1) because I was attending the performance with a "new" friend from my Mommy group (her name is Shannon), and 2) because I was worried that I might be bored or not entertained by the ballet.  Both fears went unmet & I had a great time.

First up, the ballet:

The music of Swan Lake was written by Tchaikovsky, who also wrote the ballet music for the Nutcracker and Sleeping Beauty. I don't listen to a lot of classical music, but I am very familiar with Tchaikovsky's music. I did a report on him for my music class in grade six and I've been a fan every since. So I knew going into it that I would at least enjoy the music at the ballet. 

I have seen the Nutcracker at Red Deer College a few times (maybe three now?), and I enjoy the second half better than the first because its has many "themed" dances like Egyption, Chinese, Spanish, etc. The cosutmes are colorful and fun and the dances follow that as well.

Swan Lake wasn't as colorful but it was beautiful.  The background was a beautifully painted castle beside a lake and forest. When the scenes switched to the lake, the lightening was a magically shade of blue. Swan costumes were snow white & sparkely. It's hard to describe the actual dancing. Um, the dancers were graceful, unbelievable flexible, enduring (the spins & jumps just keep going). I am no ballet expert, but I would have liked to see a little more unison & in sync-ness so that the lines were cleaner, but all in all I really enjoyed it and want to do it again.

Shannon, my "date" for the evening is from my Mommy group. I first met her on Halloween and mentally marked her as a mommy I would like to get to know better. I put out a message that I'd like to go to Swan Lake and she responded pretty quickly with interest. Shannon is originally from New Brunswick, her hubby is from Quebec, they have a daughter 16 months old (Joesphine), and they most recently moved from Edmonton to Leduc. She's about 2 years older. On the 1/2 hour drove to & from the ballet we barely had a moments silence we had so much in common to talk about. I can't remember all that we talked about but I know we had fun and are looking forward to getting together more. Shannon started a day home this week so she'll be pretty housebound during the week, but she has invited us over for a playdate next Thursday!

It's Not About Weight Loss...But It Kind've Is

I've said before that my primary goal of this program is to get fit/healthy and as a bonus I should also be losing weight. But at this point, almost 5 weeks in, with no weight loss to date I'm getting impatient. It's difficult to stay the long course when we live in an instant demand world. I'd like to see a physical manifestation of my effort and with no manifestion, does that mean my effort hasn't been "good enough". That's definitely how I'm feeling. I mean is it so much to ask for a 1-2 lb weight release? Tomorrow is my week 5 session and I plan to both weigh in and discuss my feelings about it.

I'm also thinking that I'm gonna have to make some food changes sooner than later. I am very apprehensive and anxious about feeling deprived and it backfiring. I'm going to think a little more on what changes I am ready to make that will hopefully have a big impact on my health & weight goals.

P.S. On a side note, I know that Kyla reads my blog as she comments regularly...but is anyone else reading it anymore??

MindBody: One Month Analysis

I really can't believe that I am 4 weeks into my MindBody FX program...which means I haven't done too well in my "staying conscious" goal LOL or else it means that my small changes have been going smoothly.

First & foremost I am very proud of my physical exercise progress. I have met my goal of 5 minutes 26/28 days, and most of those days I exceeded the goal by doing 20,30 or 45 minutes of exercise. I have been going to the LRC for the elliptical, treadmill or water aerobics, I have done Wii Fit or Sports on other days and also taken advantage of some of the warmer days by taking Dexter for a walk in the stroller. All of these activities fit well into the life I want of daily healthy habits.

From the beginning I have done pretty well with doing a daily meditation. I have both an AM & PM one available thru MindBody but I also have a hypnosis weight one from Marc Savard (a hypnotist from my home town who now has a show in Vegas), as well as a relaxation one & a few others I have yet to try. The easiest time for me to do this is right before bed, its still too difficult to do it in the morning with Dexter's shrieks in the background. The last two weeks I've also added in daily affirmations. Apparently these are best done outloud in front of a mirror...which I do about 20% of the time. But doing well with this area and hoping to continue to build on my success.

My affirmations right now are:

1. I build habits that bring me health & happiness.

2. I am passionate about fitness.

3. I enjoy exercising daily and being active.

4. I choose foods that bring me energy & vitality.

5. I love every part of my body.

6. My body absorbs nutrition & releases the rest.

7. I am successfully moving towards my fitness goals.

Within my sessions I have been really great at sharing (no surprise there ha ha) and getting the most from my coach. I'm actually quite sad that I am 1/3 of the way through as I'm worried I won't have the 'realizations/break-through' and large steps of progress I crave.

Wow, that in itself was a realization. I had an emotional reaction which is a sign to pay attention, feel the emotion and then decide how to proceed. I think I feel as though I have worked on the "easy" things so far & haven't truly challenged myself enough. The big payoff will come when I am better equipped to make healthy food choices more often (like 80% of the time).

I am just thinking, that I need to come up with some thing or things I can do for myself as a 'treat' when I feel like having a treat. Any ideas? They need to be quick & free.

Continuing Challenges:

1) Sleep Habits: Dexter has fairly routinely been awaking at 7:40am -give or take 30 minutes. Currently Tyler & I take turns waking up with him. A healthy habit would be to get 8 hours of solid sleep, so hitting the hay by 11-11:30pm each night & then getting up with or before dexter. In fact, ideally I'd like to do a morning meditation before he awakes. This is something to work towards in the upcoming weeks.

2) Water Consumption: Most of my fluids should be pure water &/or herbal tea. Both are hydrating & calorie free. On average I probably drink 2-3 glasses a day, quite short of the standard, though admittedly an improvement from a month ago! Again, a work in progress.

3) Food Habits: ideally I would like to be making healthful food choices 80% of the time. This means less sweets & treats, more veggies, more pre-planned meals (less last minute snacks) & more fresh foods. My successes over the last month is that most of my grains are whole grains - breads, pastas, rice & even perogies. I also feel as though I've been more conscious of when I reach for treats & thus been doing it less often. To be honest, less often means 2-3 times a day versus 6-8 times a day. That's probably a shocking figure for most, but I've come by my weight honestly. I have "earned" every pound on my body.

Which leads me to a scary part of this analysis...my weight. I am going to tell u exactly how much I way and I'd appreciate some discretion. I mean, I am fully aware that this is a public blog, but for the most part I'm sure only my friends and family read it (in small numbers). Being honest should hopefully be cathardic but it may also open me up to ridicule.

When I started this program, I weighed in at about 275lbs. This is my highest weight, including when I was pregnant with Dexter. (When pregnant, I started at about 270, dropped to 260 & was about 277 when he was born). This number can be SO overwhelming as even with dropping 100lbs, I'd weigh in at 170 which more most would be way above target weight. The lowest I've weighed in my adult life is about 170 or so when I graduated high school. I think I was a size 14 and it was the best I felt about my body, I felt truly beautiful for the most part (still a little self-conscious about my thighs). For me, 170lbs is my first target weight. I could do most of the things I want to at that weight. When I get there, I may re-evaluate (at 5'6 my BMI would still be higher than recommended) but its a large & important first step.

Everyone has a different weight journey, but I'd really like to impart the following wisdom onto other people:

Please appreciate & be grateful for the body you have now, as it could be someone else's "far away dream".

I am not entirely happy to be tipping the scales towards 300, nor am I happy to weigh as much as a heavyweight UFC contender without the muscle mass...but I am grateful I don't have further to go. I am grateful I have the opportunity to makes changes at 28 then at 38,48,58 or 68 and still have lots of life to enjoy at a healthy weight. I am grateful that I have full use of my body parts and don't have the additional challenge of a physical handicap.

I believe that it is only when you fully accept & appreciate your body for what it is now, that you can realize the possibilities of what it can be tomorrow. I am happy to be healthy & whole.

:-)
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What do u do for fun?

In my book I'm reading, The Happiness Project, Gretchen dedicates one of her months to learning how to play/have more fun . One of the obvious steps in this process is determing what is "play" for you. I can easily define reading as a fun activity for myself, but what else?

She poses a question she borrowed "What did u do for fun when u where 10 years old?" That's a really profound question and one I couldn't immediately answer. Reading fiction is probably the only obvious answer I have, as I have enjoyed for as long as I can remember. The rest require some thought. Clipping magazines & making collages was a fun past time in junior high. Participating in, in depth conversations is another but from high school on. What did I do for fun in Grade 5 though? My brain strains under the challenge of having any clear, vivid memories of that specific of a time....so I've facebooked my 5 close friends from that grade (thanks facebook!), to see if they have more insight.

In order to be authentic in having fun, Gretchen also puts the activity to the following test: "I look forward to it; I found it energizing, not draining; and I didn't feel guilty about it later."

I'd love to hear what you did for fun when u were 10, & if u still enjoy this activity now?

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Dear Body

Dear Body,

You know, I've been taking advantage of you for a long time and yet you have really come through for me time and again. Instead of filling you with the best fuel, I have been giving you the cheap stuff, so it's no wonder I haven't been getting maximum performance from you. You've really been a trooper all these years, having good blood pressure and test results and I am very grateful for that. I just wanted to let you know that it's finally your turn to be in the spot light. I am making the care and maintenance of you a priority and soon you'll be in the condition you deserve.

Looking forward to a better relationship with you,

Crystal (your soul resident)

Versus

I have a bunch of This vs That things I've been thinking about writing so it makes total sense to write one Versus-themed blog!

Awareness vs. Action

Not to "toot mine own horn", but I am pretty good at creating awareness for myself. By this I don't mean being observant (cuz I am not), I simply mean I am aware of my strengths, weaknesses, areas I want to improve, what I'm doing well, etc. And when I am interested in a topic, I am pretty good at doing all the research, reading and being enthusiastic. However, where I tend to fizzle out is on the Action side of things. I had a check up with my psychiatrist last week and she pointed that out...when she said it I was like "yay, I totally have to work on that". LOL Then, I had my MindBody session after that and it re-enforced the idea to me. I don't feel as though I have put the same energy and excitement into my MindBody fitness course these last two weeks as I did the first week. BUT, one of the reasons I like the program I'm on right now is that I have weekly check ins so things don't spiral out of control. I have re-committed myself and have done a few things to help me stay focused on my actions.

1. I bought some letter beads and some suede strips to make my own bracelet. The idea behind it being that the physical reminder on my wrist will help me remember my goals throughout the day, instead of just at night when I'm checking off if I've met them or not. I bought a lot of beads so I change the word I am wearing. My first word is "Harmony" as that is what I'm really aiming for in my life.

2. I've decided to adopt the Resolution Chart from The Happiness Project into my routine. Basically it's like a spreadsheet with your daily goals on top & the days of the month along the left side. Then each day you give yourself a check mark under the goals you have completed.

My daily goals for this month are:

-5 minutes of exercise,

-1 set of affirmations,

-1 glass of water,

-one minute rule (if something takes less than a minute to do, I have to do it right away, rather than procrastinating i.e. putting my jacket away),

-meditating (once a day),

-Blog or Journal (10 minutes &/or one entry),

-15 minutes of reading,

-eating 2 servings of vegetables.

Some of these may seem minimal, but that is sort of the point. If I have a goal of the minimal, I'll meet them more often, but will hopefully exceed them most of the time.

Balance vs. Harmony

It is nearly impossible and in my opinion, undesirable, to create balance in your life.  Balance, by definition means all things equal, so to have true balance you would have to put as much energy and time into each area of your life.  For most people, each life area is weighted differently on their priority scale.  What we are usually seeking is harmony: a consistent, orderly, or pleasing arrangement of parts (as per http://www.dictionary.com/). I'm looking for each part of my life to pleasantly flow and overlap together. For instance, I want a career that compliments my personal life & relationships  (as oppose to competing with it), that pays our bills comfortably, that I'm passionate about and that utilizes my skills while simultaneously causing me to challenge myself and grow.   Sound like a lot to ask for? LOL Well my motto today is "If I can dream it, I can achieve it." I didn't make it up, I heard it somewhere before, but I love the sound of it.

Hereditary vs. Choices (aka Victim vs. Warrior)

I could easily be a "victim" and claim that my struggles with weight are due to my genetics. My biological contributer is overweight and my mom has struggled with it herself. However, it is much more empowering to instead say that I am overweight because of the choices I have made. It's empowering because although I am accepting the blame, I am also accepting the powerful position of being able to change those choices and live my life at my ideal weight. I've names this versus a.k.a. Victim vs Warrior because this philosophy can be applied to virtually any area of your life. In reality we might not be 100% in control (like my weight might be more difficult to take off than someone else's), but it doesn't really add anything to our lives to think negatively about it. It doesn't "serve" us to think like a victim. I've chosen to be a Warrior.

I challenge you to 1) apply this philosophy to your own struggles, & 2) find an area that this can't be applied to.  With our modern world, you would be hard pressed to find something for #2.

Book Club

One of my "dreams" for a while, has been to be a part of a book club. I love sharing my opinions and what better way than to read a book and then discuss it with other people?  The opportunity came for me to suggest it among my Mommy group, where we are free to post new ideas. I'm very excited because not only have they taken the idea and posted our first meeting (January 13), and also our second (February), but our first meeting is the book I suggested!

It's kind of cosmic, because the book I suggested is "The Happiness Project" and the reason I decided to do something about my book club dream is because of what I was reading in "The Happiness Project"!

"The Happiness Project" has been great so far. I am about a third of the way into it but I am enjoying it very much. Basically it is about one woman's Happiness Project, a project she designed to increase her day-to-day happiness level. She broke her goals into 12 basic concepts (like energy, marriage, work), worked on one each month and had mini-goals within those months.

One of the reasons I am enjoying the book is because I see similarities between the author & I's personality and life, so I could easily see myself embarking on a similar project.  I hope to post more entries regarding this in the future.

To learn more or to start work on your own happiness project you can read the book (available at Chapters, Amazon, etc.) and you can check out her blog at http://www.happiness-project.com/

Additional Beef

I also want to add an additional beef to my previous blog.

How come, when a father goes to work to support his family, no one questions his fathering abilities? But we're quick to judge a mom?
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Stay at Home Mom Vs Working Mom

My dear friend Kyla, has started her own blog & I have so loved having someone’s blog to read who is a great friend. After years of writing my own blog, I like being able to glimpse into someone else’s thoughts, feelings and life. It has also done wonders for helping me write blog entries more frequently for my own here. Today is another wonderful example of this. Kyla wrote a very personal blog about her own opinions of being a Stay At Home Mom. It has inspired me to write on the topic myself, however to get the full effect, I am re-posting Kyla’s blog for y’all to read as well, in exert form before my direct responses.

Kyla Exert 1 “Well I have this desire to express myself about being a stay at home mom! If you are sensitive about the subject, this blog is pro stay at home mom, so stop reading now. Otherwise enjoy!

I have never before in my life been so happy with a decision I have made. That decision was to leave my job and stay at home permanently with my child (and future children) to raise my child myself. Yes, I think there are definite advantages for our children if we are the primary caregivers. Logan in particular needed me. I see and recognize his strengths and weaknesses, and the life of daycares would have been very hard on him. I'm sure he would have adapted, but why should my child have to adapt to something that isn't the 'best' choice for him?”

So right now I absolutely love that I am home with Dexter, but I will also admit to craving "something more".  When I was in elementary school I always had career ambitions but hadn’t thought much about being a mom. Now don’t get me wrong, I have always assumed I would have children as I feel MY life would be incomplete without them. But I also think that I have the type of personality that needs some selfish indulgence of my own, whether it is a project, hobby or career.

The stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) versus working-mom (WM) debate is a hot one. I think the most important thing to remember for both groups is to respect someone else’s decision. Decisions are rarely made with only one factor considered; rather there are often hundreds if not thousands of direct & indirect things involved. I also want to point out that I think most of the arguments are valid whether it is MOM or DAD we are talking about. Whoever is the primary child care giver in your home is now the “SAHM” or “WM” in my blog.

The first important point of Kyla’s blog is that she lists how happy she is staying home with Logan. To me, one of the strongest factors to consider is how happy “mom” is with her chosen position, be it SAHM or WM. A SAHM who is constantly wishing to be elsewhere, or a WM who suffers great guilt at what she’s missing does a great injustice to her own family. Children are very sensitive beings and being around an unhappy parent, no matter the reason, will not be much of a benefit to them.

Secondly Kyla points out how Logan was quite attached to her and perhaps not as confident in himself around others if she wasn’t around. This is an excellent reason to stay home with your child. Being there for your children when they need you is one of the best gifts you can give them in my opinion. It instills a confidence that the world is there to help them rather than being against them. My philosophy became apparent to me when I would rather respond to Dexter’s first cries than let him cry things out or “develop patience” waiting on me. For his first 6 months at least, I really wanted him to know I was there for him, never more than a short cry away. The result was a quite content and happy baby and a momma who felt more secure in her parenthood.  However, I know of many babies who were schooled with the cry it out method and they seem equally happy. As with most things in life, you have to do what works for you and what feels “true” to you. 

One has to wonder though, if Logan was a much more independent spirit who craved the attention of other beings over his mom, would Kyla have returned to work for maybe even a short term, as she had originally planned?

Kyla Exert 2 “One thing that is a huge change is that you no longer have that adult communication and responsibilities that come with having a desk job (or whatever kind of job you may have) but you know what? I am PLENTY busy all the time that I'm not sure how I even had a job before! lol. And the social aspect? It's extremely easy to find play groups, or church groups, or activities (that are inexpensive or free) to entertain the social side of being at home. Even just window shopping has it's communicative side to it!”

I have great admiration for Kyla as a mom.  I personally operate best with a structure semi-set-up by someone else, mostly cuz I don’t currently have the best self-discipline. But Kyla has proved herself an amazing mom who comes up with activities for her & Logan to enjoy and seems to be performing at an A+ in the “stay at home wife” category as well (tough to do in my opinion). I struggled with adapting my life to house a baby, trying to figure out how to remain true to “Crystal” with the addition of “mom” added to my profile. The first 12 days after Dexter was born I was shell shocked. What had I done? I couldn’t be responsible for this person for the rest of my life! How would I ever get over this steep learning curve? And forget every having another child ever again, I could never handle that. In fact it took me until Dexter was about 11 months old before I could fathom having another child.

Kyla was amazing though from day one. She’s younger than me and still she rocked her Momminess as a super star. Even going so far as to start babysitting other children in addition to her own! I mentally couldn’t handle my own little guy, who was arguably a really good & content baby, and she was taking on extra kids LOL She amazed and continued to amaze me. But my point being, that maybe some people are born with and have cultivated the personality and skills to be a SAHM and others are better suited for the WM role.

One thing that could be really wonderful for a child, is if their “daycare” is a relative. It’s hard to argue that a WM is doing her children a disservice, when Grandma or Auntie is watching them during the day.

Kyla Exert 3 “My favourite part of being at home is definetly teaching my son! I love watching him learn all the basic skills: walking, talking, playing, etc. And I love having the final say in what songs he learns to sing, what games he learns to play, seeing him reach each and every milestone. Not being at home would definetly have created a completely different journey and I would feel each and every day that I was being ripped off the joys of parenthood.

There is a book by Dr Laura S that I would like to read, but it basically states that unless you plan on staying home to raise your children, maybe children is not the journey you should be taking.

There are definite valid "excuses" for not raising your own children. For me those include completing a valid education (I say valid as there are some that really don't make sense to me lol that's all I will say on that), short term plans which include working a short period of time before being able to stay home, and truly not being able to live on the primary income provider's income. (I say it like that as it's not completely out of the question for the dad to stay at home if the mom is the main bread winner). Now I have huge issues with mother's who go back to work just to upkeep their lifestyles. Again, circumstances are different for everyone so don't judge my opinion - it's a vaguely written one in this blog as far as what I feel is valid and not.

Anyways, I will end on a positive note that child bearing and child raising have been the greatest blessing in my life (aside from my husband of course) and I would never change how my life path is going! I'm pleased to announce that money isn't everything and it does not run my life and I'm so grateful for that also.

Signed,
A Happy Stay-At-Home-Mother”

First I have to comment that if the Dr. Laura Kyla is referring to, is the one I am thinking of, then I have to admit that I have rarely agree with what Dr. Laura has to say. We just come from different sides of the spectrum. She’s too black & white for me. I live in the world of lovely gray (well not all the time, but often).

Dr. Laura suggests that maybe if you’re not going to be a SAHM then maybe you should be a mom period. When I first read that statement I was just out and out offended. Mostly because I don’t like people telling me what I should do LOL but also because I feel that many WM are still Super Hero moms who are raising lovely children and their children are not necessarily missing out just because their mom works outside the home. However, after reading the blog a second time, I realized that I did slightly agree with the statement a bit (see world of gray).

When Tyler and I first started discussing if I should find a job as Dexter was nearing one year old, we discussed the financial cost of daycare as well as the indefinable costs of daycare. What I mean by this is, that it seemed sort of silly for me to have a child and then leave that child for 8-10 hours a day 5 days a week, with someone else.  It’s very difficult to argue against the fact that someone else is essentially raising your child in these circumstances. Often parents will see their children in the morning for a short period of time, have supper with them, and then its usually a bedtime routine then bed. That being said, its sometimes boils down to what you make of a situation rather than what the situation is. A SAHM who doesn’t really interact with her child(ren) during the day, doesn’t provide learning opportunities, etc isn’t automatically better than a WM who has her kids in daycare. Daycare can provide a wonderful opportunity for structured learning, exposure to germs to build up resistance, preparation for school years, as well as socialization and independence skills that can be learned.  That being said, with proper planning and execution, all these things can be incorporated into a SAHM’s life as well.

Next Kyla lists what she deems as valid excuses for a mom returning to work.  Ultimately, I think Kyla is really listing was she deems as valid excuses for herself returning to work if she wanted to. In a perfect world, we can’t really judge what is a valid reason for someone else to return to work. Every person, couple and family different values and goals in their lives that are important to them. Who are we to judge what is acceptable and isn’t? I say this with a grain of salt as I have a problem with “judging” people. It is very easy and somewhat gratifying to do, cuz if I judge someone else lower than me that automatically elevates my standing right? Sad but true! Anyway it is something I am trying to work on, and Tyler is unfortunately or fortunately really good at keeping me in check on this avenue.

Personally, I think that if as a family you decide mom should work outside the home, than that makes it a valid decision for you. While I think a common “excuse” is that mom is returning cuz they need the money/to maintain a lifestyle, I think that is just the easy answer that is accepted by most people. I think if you dug a little deeper, you would find many more factors that contributed to that decision.

For example, a common rational I’ve been told about Mom working is that they want to maintain the life they have: two “newer” vehicles with a few bells and whistles, own nice home, take nice vacations, live the ideal middle-class life. This may sound very materialistic, but perhaps what they are really looking for is to give their children the experiences they think they deserve. If they child wants to play hockey or join gymnastics, they want to say yes without hesitation. They might want to allow their kids to see the world, not just “affordable” locations, and without having to scrimp & save for two years. They may want to own their own home because they moved a lot as a child in rental places that never truly felt like home, or maybe they did have a childhood home so they want their kids to have it too. Their parents may have always had unreliable beaters for vehicles so they want the security of newer vehicles with proper heat and air conditioning. It is amazing what hidden motivations there are when we go deeper than the surface value of a situation.

For myself, I really miss having my “own money”. Maybe one day we’ll get to the point in our relationship where the money Tyler works for is truly thought of as ours, but we are not their yet. I have a desire to earn my own money for my own validation…

The very first time I emerged as a self-confident person was when I got my first real job at KFC. I had my own identity other than daughter or sister. I was Crystal. I earned my own respect within my job and I flourished, soon becoming a junior supervisor at 16. I only earned $5.25/hour but that was all disposable income (other than paying a $30/month phone bill) and I gained so much enjoyment from being able to buy virtually whatever I wanted. This experience carried on throughout the next decade of my life and I usually defined my self-worth by the job I held. When I first got laid off, it was a real struggle to define who I was without a job. I felt judgment from many friends and family on how I could possibly be contributing to society if I didn’t have a “JOB”. Somehow, by having a child these nay-sayers suddenly felt validated by Mommy being my job, but how come “Wife” wasn’t okay?  To be honest, it really hurt my feelings, and continues to. It didn’t help that I was really floundering with my self-worth and direction when I was jobless and childless, and to be honest, I think I am still floundering.

Back to the present, one of my goals is to stay home with Dexter until he goes to school, as I feel I really wouldn’t want to continue being a SAHM while Dexter is in school.  However, if the “right” thing made itself available, I think I would strongly consider working again. If I had a wonderful job that I loved, I probably would already be there. But my reality is that I don’t know what that wonderful job is, so I get to stay home with Dex now. I am very thankful that Tyler earns a good living so we can continue to lead a pretty lovely life on his income alone. Not all men are lucky enough to have a job that can provide a comfortable life. Many of the WM’s I know have hubbies that make a respectable income, but not really one that allows for a single income life for a family. That being said, some people have very wonderful lives on very little money! Those people have my huge respect, but reality is that it’s not that easy. There are sacrifices that have to be made with any decision, so you have to make the decision with the sacrifices you can live with.

There were a few reasons I wanted to write this blog. One of them was that although I am currently a SAHM I don’t know that it will continue to be my role so I wanted to “defend” the WM role as well. I also feel that I identify more with the typical WM than the typical SAHM. For the mom’s that truly choose their roles, I would say that my personality and values more commonly line up with WM.

My second reason was that I have mad respect for both worlds. I think it’s a huge disservice to mom’s (and women) worldwide to be against each other. The amazing thing is that we have freedom of choice in our world and while a SAHM would hate to have her choice taken from her, a WM feels the same way. Both roles feel very judged by the other. Common complaints are that SAHM don’t feel validated for their contributions to society and WM feel judged to be lesser moms. Many people have been helped by WM, inventions and laws have been have been brought to us by WM and we wouldn’t want to lose the millions of wonderful things that wouldn’t be possible without WM. A SAHM’s job is one of the toughest in the world.

Well my little man is up so my writing time is done. It was quite long winded and I’m not sure if what I was trying to say has really come across…but I hope it has.