My dear friend Kyla, has started her own blog & I have so loved having someone’s blog to read who is a great friend. After years of writing my own blog, I like being able to glimpse into someone else’s thoughts, feelings and life. It has also done wonders for helping me write blog entries more frequently for my own here. Today is another wonderful example of this. Kyla wrote a very personal blog about her own opinions of being a Stay At Home Mom. It has inspired me to write on the topic myself, however to get the full effect, I am re-posting Kyla’s blog for y’all to read as well, in exert form before my direct responses.
Kyla Exert 1 “Well I have this desire to express myself about being a stay at home mom! If you are sensitive about the subject, this blog is pro stay at home mom, so stop reading now. Otherwise enjoy!
I have never before in my life been so happy with a decision I have made. That decision was to leave my job and stay at home permanently with my child (and future children) to raise my child myself. Yes, I think there are definite advantages for our children if we are the primary caregivers. Logan in particular needed me. I see and recognize his strengths and weaknesses, and the life of daycares would have been very hard on him. I'm sure he would have adapted, but why should my child have to adapt to something that isn't the 'best' choice for him?”
So right now I absolutely love that I am home with Dexter, but I will also admit to craving "something more". When I was in elementary school I always had career ambitions but hadn’t thought much about being a mom. Now don’t get me wrong, I have always assumed I would have children as I feel MY life would be incomplete without them. But I also think that I have the type of personality that needs some selfish indulgence of my own, whether it is a project, hobby or career.
The stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) versus working-mom (WM) debate is a hot one. I think the most important thing to remember for both groups is to respect someone else’s decision. Decisions are rarely made with only one factor considered; rather there are often hundreds if not thousands of direct & indirect things involved. I also want to point out that I think most of the arguments are valid whether it is MOM or DAD we are talking about. Whoever is the primary child care giver in your home is now the “SAHM” or “WM” in my blog.
The first important point of Kyla’s blog is that she lists how happy she is staying home with Logan. To me, one of the strongest factors to consider is how happy “mom” is with her chosen position, be it SAHM or WM. A SAHM who is constantly wishing to be elsewhere, or a WM who suffers great guilt at what she’s missing does a great injustice to her own family. Children are very sensitive beings and being around an unhappy parent, no matter the reason, will not be much of a benefit to them.
Secondly Kyla points out how Logan was quite attached to her and perhaps not as confident in himself around others if she wasn’t around. This is an excellent reason to stay home with your child. Being there for your children when they need you is one of the best gifts you can give them in my opinion. It instills a confidence that the world is there to help them rather than being against them. My philosophy became apparent to me when I would rather respond to Dexter’s first cries than let him cry things out or “develop patience” waiting on me. For his first 6 months at least, I really wanted him to know I was there for him, never more than a short cry away. The result was a quite content and happy baby and a momma who felt more secure in her parenthood. However, I know of many babies who were schooled with the cry it out method and they seem equally happy. As with most things in life, you have to do what works for you and what feels “true” to you.
One has to wonder though, if Logan was a much more independent spirit who craved the attention of other beings over his mom, would Kyla have returned to work for maybe even a short term, as she had originally planned?
Kyla Exert 2 “One thing that is a huge change is that you no longer have that adult communication and responsibilities that come with having a desk job (or whatever kind of job you may have) but you know what? I am PLENTY busy all the time that I'm not sure how I even had a job before! lol. And the social aspect? It's extremely easy to find play groups, or church groups, or activities (that are inexpensive or free) to entertain the social side of being at home. Even just window shopping has it's communicative side to it!”
I have great admiration for Kyla as a mom. I personally operate best with a structure semi-set-up by someone else, mostly cuz I don’t currently have the best self-discipline. But Kyla has proved herself an amazing mom who comes up with activities for her & Logan to enjoy and seems to be performing at an A+ in the “stay at home wife” category as well (tough to do in my opinion). I struggled with adapting my life to house a baby, trying to figure out how to remain true to “Crystal” with the addition of “mom” added to my profile. The first 12 days after Dexter was born I was shell shocked. What had I done? I couldn’t be responsible for this person for the rest of my life! How would I ever get over this steep learning curve? And forget every having another child ever again, I could never handle that. In fact it took me until Dexter was about 11 months old before I could fathom having another child.
Kyla was amazing though from day one. She’s younger than me and still she rocked her Momminess as a super star. Even going so far as to start babysitting other children in addition to her own! I mentally couldn’t handle my own little guy, who was arguably a really good & content baby, and she was taking on extra kids LOL She amazed and continued to amaze me. But my point being, that maybe some people are born with and have cultivated the personality and skills to be a SAHM and others are better suited for the WM role.
One thing that could be really wonderful for a child, is if their “daycare” is a relative. It’s hard to argue that a WM is doing her children a disservice, when Grandma or Auntie is watching them during the day.
Kyla Exert 3 “My favourite part of being at home is definetly teaching my son! I love watching him learn all the basic skills: walking, talking, playing, etc. And I love having the final say in what songs he learns to sing, what games he learns to play, seeing him reach each and every milestone. Not being at home would definetly have created a completely different journey and I would feel each and every day that I was being ripped off the joys of parenthood.
There is a book by Dr Laura S that I would like to read, but it basically states that unless you plan on staying home to raise your children, maybe children is not the journey you should be taking.
There are definite valid "excuses" for not raising your own children. For me those include completing a valid education (I say valid as there are some that really don't make sense to me lol that's all I will say on that), short term plans which include working a short period of time before being able to stay home, and truly not being able to live on the primary income provider's income. (I say it like that as it's not completely out of the question for the dad to stay at home if the mom is the main bread winner). Now I have huge issues with mother's who go back to work just to upkeep their lifestyles. Again, circumstances are different for everyone so don't judge my opinion - it's a vaguely written one in this blog as far as what I feel is valid and not.
Anyways, I will end on a positive note that child bearing and child raising have been the greatest blessing in my life (aside from my husband of course) and I would never change how my life path is going! I'm pleased to announce that money isn't everything and it does not run my life and I'm so grateful for that also.
Signed,
A Happy Stay-At-Home-Mother”
First I have to comment that if the Dr. Laura Kyla is referring to, is the one I am thinking of, then I have to admit that I have rarely agree with what Dr. Laura has to say. We just come from different sides of the spectrum. She’s too black & white for me. I live in the world of lovely gray (well not all the time, but often).
Dr. Laura suggests that maybe if you’re not going to be a SAHM then maybe you should be a mom period. When I first read that statement I was just out and out offended. Mostly because I don’t like people telling me what I should do LOL but also because I feel that many WM are still Super Hero moms who are raising lovely children and their children are not necessarily missing out just because their mom works outside the home. However, after reading the blog a second time, I realized that I did slightly agree with the statement a bit (see world of gray).
When Tyler and I first started discussing if I should find a job as Dexter was nearing one year old, we discussed the financial cost of daycare as well as the indefinable costs of daycare. What I mean by this is, that it seemed sort of silly for me to have a child and then leave that child for 8-10 hours a day 5 days a week, with someone else. It’s very difficult to argue against the fact that someone else is essentially raising your child in these circumstances. Often parents will see their children in the morning for a short period of time, have supper with them, and then its usually a bedtime routine then bed. That being said, its sometimes boils down to what you make of a situation rather than what the situation is. A SAHM who doesn’t really interact with her child(ren) during the day, doesn’t provide learning opportunities, etc isn’t automatically better than a WM who has her kids in daycare. Daycare can provide a wonderful opportunity for structured learning, exposure to germs to build up resistance, preparation for school years, as well as socialization and independence skills that can be learned. That being said, with proper planning and execution, all these things can be incorporated into a SAHM’s life as well.
Next Kyla lists what she deems as valid excuses for a mom returning to work. Ultimately, I think Kyla is really listing was she deems as valid excuses for herself returning to work if she wanted to. In a perfect world, we can’t really judge what is a valid reason for someone else to return to work. Every person, couple and family different values and goals in their lives that are important to them. Who are we to judge what is acceptable and isn’t? I say this with a grain of salt as I have a problem with “judging” people. It is very easy and somewhat gratifying to do, cuz if I judge someone else lower than me that automatically elevates my standing right? Sad but true! Anyway it is something I am trying to work on, and Tyler is unfortunately or fortunately really good at keeping me in check on this avenue.
Personally, I think that if as a family you decide mom should work outside the home, than that makes it a valid decision for you. While I think a common “excuse” is that mom is returning cuz they need the money/to maintain a lifestyle, I think that is just the easy answer that is accepted by most people. I think if you dug a little deeper, you would find many more factors that contributed to that decision.
For example, a common rational I’ve been told about Mom working is that they want to maintain the life they have: two “newer” vehicles with a few bells and whistles, own nice home, take nice vacations, live the ideal middle-class life. This may sound very materialistic, but perhaps what they are really looking for is to give their children the experiences they think they deserve. If they child wants to play hockey or join gymnastics, they want to say yes without hesitation. They might want to allow their kids to see the world, not just “affordable” locations, and without having to scrimp & save for two years. They may want to own their own home because they moved a lot as a child in rental places that never truly felt like home, or maybe they did have a childhood home so they want their kids to have it too. Their parents may have always had unreliable beaters for vehicles so they want the security of newer vehicles with proper heat and air conditioning. It is amazing what hidden motivations there are when we go deeper than the surface value of a situation.
For myself, I really miss having my “own money”. Maybe one day we’ll get to the point in our relationship where the money Tyler works for is truly thought of as ours, but we are not their yet. I have a desire to earn my own money for my own validation…
The very first time I emerged as a self-confident person was when I got my first real job at KFC. I had my own identity other than daughter or sister. I was Crystal. I earned my own respect within my job and I flourished, soon becoming a junior supervisor at 16. I only earned $5.25/hour but that was all disposable income (other than paying a $30/month phone bill) and I gained so much enjoyment from being able to buy virtually whatever I wanted. This experience carried on throughout the next decade of my life and I usually defined my self-worth by the job I held. When I first got laid off, it was a real struggle to define who I was without a job. I felt judgment from many friends and family on how I could possibly be contributing to society if I didn’t have a “JOB”. Somehow, by having a child these nay-sayers suddenly felt validated by Mommy being my job, but how come “Wife” wasn’t okay? To be honest, it really hurt my feelings, and continues to. It didn’t help that I was really floundering with my self-worth and direction when I was jobless and childless, and to be honest, I think I am still floundering.
Back to the present, one of my goals is to stay home with Dexter until he goes to school, as I feel I really wouldn’t want to continue being a SAHM while Dexter is in school. However, if the “right” thing made itself available, I think I would strongly consider working again. If I had a wonderful job that I loved, I probably would already be there. But my reality is that I don’t know what that wonderful job is, so I get to stay home with Dex now. I am very thankful that Tyler earns a good living so we can continue to lead a pretty lovely life on his income alone. Not all men are lucky enough to have a job that can provide a comfortable life. Many of the WM’s I know have hubbies that make a respectable income, but not really one that allows for a single income life for a family. That being said, some people have very wonderful lives on very little money! Those people have my huge respect, but reality is that it’s not that easy. There are sacrifices that have to be made with any decision, so you have to make the decision with the sacrifices you can live with.
There were a few reasons I wanted to write this blog. One of them was that although I am currently a SAHM I don’t know that it will continue to be my role so I wanted to “defend” the WM role as well. I also feel that I identify more with the typical WM than the typical SAHM. For the mom’s that truly choose their roles, I would say that my personality and values more commonly line up with WM.
My second reason was that I have mad respect for both worlds. I think it’s a huge disservice to mom’s (and women) worldwide to be against each other. The amazing thing is that we have freedom of choice in our world and while a SAHM would hate to have her choice taken from her, a WM feels the same way. Both roles feel very judged by the other. Common complaints are that SAHM don’t feel validated for their contributions to society and WM feel judged to be lesser moms. Many people have been helped by WM, inventions and laws have been have been brought to us by WM and we wouldn’t want to lose the millions of wonderful things that wouldn’t be possible without WM. A SAHM’s job is one of the toughest in the world.
Well my little man is up so my writing time is done. It was quite long winded and I’m not sure if what I was trying to say has really come across…but I hope it has.
