Shopping at Wal-mart on Dec 20

I thought I was finished all my Christmas shopping a few weeks back, but I find that even with a lot of planning, new gifts come up because you forgot or added plans. I have made plans to see two of my Grimshaw friends and their two kids each before Christmas and I realized yesterday that the well-mannered thing to do would be to bring a small gift for their kids.

I thought it would be fun to shop for the four kids: Sophie - 2 1/2 years, her new brother Callum about 2 months old, Kagen - 2 1/2 years & his bro Quinten 2 days younger than Dexter. We're heading to Grimshaw today, so after a bit of prep I went to Walmart at 11:30pm last night to avoid the crowds. I was looking forward to shopping for the kids, but it turns out I was vastly unprepared!

First off, I had a goal budget of $10/kid because we aren't super close so I just wanted a little something for them. It was tough to know what to buy because a)I don't know what they have already & b)I don't know what they are into right now. Plus, I wanted to spend not too much but make it LOOK like I spend a lot, right? Add to that Wal-marts half empty shelves and lack of priced merchandise. I have a lot of experience buying for Kira, my neice but generally I don't go with too much of a budget when I shop for her.

I got trapped in the Wal-mart toy section time warp for about an hour! LOL I kept circling the aisles waiting for something new to pop up. So picture me wandering putting toys in the cart, going to the price chek, going back to the aisles, continually bumping the floor cleaning staff.

I wanted to get 6 month clothes for Callum and that was tough cuz there wasn't a lot of selection & nothing really unique was there. I ended up getting three shirts for $13. Then one sleeper for Dexter with a "Super Monkey" on it.

For Sophie I started thinking of getting her a doll as I had fun shopping for dolls for Savannah, but my back-up choices for Savannah were sold out. I found a doll & faux little pony set for $10 but wondered if they looked cheap. I then considered an actual Little Pony for bathtime $12, but eventually decided on a Disney Fairy barbie for $15. So a little over budget.

The two boy brothers were challenging cuz they are so close in age: 16 months apart. I started with a Little People castle theme (just the people) for $8. Then I decided I wanted that for Dexter as he loves Little People. I could have gotten that for Quin too, no problem but there wasn't a great selection for Kagen to compliment it. I ended up deciding on a mega block type set with a jungle animal them as a dual present for both.

As I write this blog, I am still like "maybe I should have gotten this instead". Its so hard! Oh well, I hope they all enjoy it.

So if you are keeping tally I got 3 gifts for the kids I went for + 2 new gifts for Dexter LOL I also got to see the Lunar eclipse on my way home at about 1am.

I am pretty excited to see Dexter experience his first Christmas morning. Last year he was only 3 months old, plus my family was stuck at the airport so we had a Christmas night instead. Looking forward to my Christmas festivities to start!!!

Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

A pause, not a regression

I have been sick for over a week :-(

Tyler & Dexter had been sick for about 3 weeks before that, off & on, some overlapping. I managed to stave off any sickness. Then, on the night before we were suppose to go to Kyla's for our Christmas Get-Together I didn't get much sleep - about four hours I think? Being just a bit defenseless was the one opportunity the germs needed I think, so they snuck in and invaded me! It started with a sore throat shortly have dinner, then progressed to chills by bedtime. By about halfway through the night I was sweating so crazily that I throw off the many blankets I had sought out only hours earlier. We were staying at Tannis & Bill's and though it was completely unsociable of me, I spent pretty much the whole day in bed. I had gotten up around 2pm, dressed and did my hair. Then promptly went back to bed and slept for many more hours. Around supper time we headed home and I spent the next few days feeling awful.

I actually had a nervous breakdown the Monday night. I couldn't swallow, I had no energy and everything was just overwhelming. I couldn't even attempt to parent Dexter. I begged Tyler to go get me some medicine, and he took about an hour or so to get it (cuz our car wouldn't start on him - another story). During that hour Dexter was his normal self: crawling up on his toy box to try to get stuff off the counter and I thought I was going to faint from the mental exhaustion of telling him no. Anyway, after some NyQuil, Buckley's, and throat numbing stuff, oh and some Advil and many, many hours of sleep...I am starting to feel better. I think it was about Saturday when I stopped feeling "sick". Though I have developed what feels like an ear ache that is almost as annoying as a sore throat. I went to the doctor on Thursday and he assured me that its not an ear infection. Apparently its just pressure from being unable to swallow properly for so long. The pain is basically the same as an infection from what I can remember and when I eat food it feels like it's coming out my ear, and sometimes even feels like a burning sensation. It's gotten better, but still not 100%.

I will be SO thankful when I am back to "normal". We totally take our every day health for granted!  Dexter again has a running nose, and I just hope we don't loop through the sickness all over again. We wash our hands regularly...do you all have any tips on how to keep cold/flu germs away? Maybe more vitamins? Some sort of disinfectant spray for my furnature??

The reason I called this blog "a pause, not a regression" is because although I haven't really been able to work towards my fitness goals over the last 8 days, I have been trying not to regress at the very least. When I do get to eat, I'm trying to make healthier food choices. I've been drinking lots and lots of water thanks to my sore throat and "ear" issue - to the point where I am starting to pee clear. That may sound gross but for those of you who know what I mean...well you'll know what I mean LOL

I've barely had enough energy to stay out of bed half the day, so working out has been out of the question. In fact, last Wednesday I actually did my session via phone instead of going to Red Deer. My sister was here for a few days and I passed up the opportunity to go out for supper because my throat/ear was bugging me and cuz Dexter wasn't 100% either (didn't want to take him with us & didn't want to leave him at home with Auntie). Anyway, I hope to be well sooner than later so I can get a few days working out in before we head to Grimshaw (on Tuesday, 21st I believe).

OUR CAR:

So all GM vehicles (to the best of my knowledge) have this passlock security feature on them that's suppose to help if someone steals your vehicle. However, the only thing it has every done for me is guess me much grievance! The reason being that my car starter and the passlock like to annoy each other and every once in a while (with no warning), my car will not start for a minimum of 15 minutes via key ignition. It has been a problem since I had the car and even the one before it so like 7 years! To the best of my memory, it's only happened in winter time - but yeah you get stranded for at least 15 minutes in a car that won't start. When you time your work commute to the minute this can interfer, as well as when you go to leave somewhere (like the gym, grocery store, or other rather inconvenient places). Luckily, we would rarely have Dexter in the car, however for a fairly reliable vehicle it is such a nuisance to have this issue. We've had it looked at before and the only solution at the time would be to get rid of the car starter or disable the passlock. I would love to just disable the passlock, but apparently that is illegal or against GM policy or some crap. So...my friends with mechanical like husbands, how do I fix this issue without giving up the luxury of a car starter??

I Miss My Baby

This may sound weird, but even though I see Dexter, I miss my baby. I miss him as a baby.

It came over me the other day. He was drinking from a cup with a straw, and the look on his face was one I used to see all the time when I was breastfeeding. I don't know how to describe it exactly, kind of like a wide-eyed wonder/innocent look. But as I saw it, I realized that I hadn't seen it in such a long time and it made me really sad. There are so many things that I didn't "document" that seemed unforgettable at the time that fade away so quickly. With a little guy around, there are new things everyday so its hard to remember it all. And though we may experience most of them again if/when we have another baby, it will be a different journey because it'll be a different child. I will never again have Dexter as a baby.

Its probably completely ridiculous to feel sad about that - but I am. We have so much to look forward to in the future, but I'm finding this stage a bit difficult: the whole curiousness with complete lack of fear or conscience can be very, very trying. Also, I am the kind of person who, when I am immerged in something I am very passionate about it, but when I'm away from it the passion wanes. I think that Tyler being home and me pursing other things more (a.k.a. checking out more) is actually become a negative for Dexter & my relationship. I'm not as in tune with his wants/needs, my patience is actually less as I have lost my tolerance, and I don't feel "in love" with my baby right now.  Part of this could also be coming from the fact that Dexter doesn't sleep at night with me anymore and that I am not breastfeeding at all. Both were great for building an emotional bond between us.

Anyway, the important thing is that I've become aware of my feelings in the last few days. The "easy" fix would be to try to have another baby right away and replace those emotions. However the right and "tough" thing to do is make myself passionate about Dexter-now again. I have to to get down on my hands and knees and play with him. I don't really like to "play" toys, but I like to chase him around our island, or growl and chase him. Tickle, giggle, and cuddle.

I used to be really good at savouring the positives of each stage. Like when Dexter couldn't crawl, I appreciated as he just sat there, etc. However I haven't been good at doing that lately - but I've began trying.  Like instead of being annoyed by how long it takes to get him to bed, I should instead savour the fact that I get to cuddle him to sleep. One day he won't want his Mommy or Daddy to do that!  And instead of being bothered by how he gets into everything...I'm trying to look at his "goal oriented" behavior and hope that it comes in handy for his future.

No one said being a Mother was easy...but if you look back, it is mostly wonderful. :-)

Baby Names

I was looking through some of the fan posted pics on the facebook "Dexter" page, and there were a few babies named Dexter on there. It got me thinking about what the baby name stats were for 2009 (as that's the year my Dexter was born, plus the 2010 stats aren't done yet).

In Alberta, 31 baby boys were named Dexter & 2 were named Dex.

That's all I could really find.

Some other interesting stats:
In Alberta, 246 baby boys were named Logan (#4 of all names).
In Alberta, 2 baby girls were named Savana, 5 Savanah, 17 Savanna, 43 Savannah = 67.
In Canada, Savannah is #72.
In Canada, Logan is #9.
In Canada, Cayden is #10 (my cousin's baby's name).

Unique Alberta names (one 1 names in 2009):
BOYS
Alias
Bison
Crazyhorse
Dat
Edgerrin
Folly-Noah
Guch
Hawkar
Iex
Jhazriel
Kduss
Lightning
Maxxwel
Neptune
Owies
Philopateer
Qron
Rayon
Seige
Thunder
Uyohoini
Voltaire
Wrath
Xayden
Yak
Zenry

GIRLS:
Albertarose
Beauty
Cred
Dessarhey
Eloquence
Fury
Gallary
Heart
Ibiza
Joy-Joviale
Kwynn
Lashes
Manhattan
Noof
Ortal
Poetic
Qhloe
RoyLe
Society
Temprance
Uniqua
Veditha
Weency
Xanet
Yejee
Zimmel

Commentary:
-I wonder if these sets were twins? Wrath/Fury, Thunder/Lightening,
-Manhattan: I thought of that! I was trying to think of New Year themed names, I liked the way Manhattan looked/sounded for a girl, but worried about "Man" being in the name,
-Lashes LOL

Bah Humbug

The Christmas season is upon us! I love Christmas and almost everything associated with it. But at this time of year, some folks are happy and some folks are dreading it. What I love about Christmas other's distain. Here's what Christmas is to me...

Atmosphere:

First & foremost is setting the atmosphere and getting in the mood. I have my favorite Christmas songs on CDs and on my iTunes, and of course playing on all the store sound systems. I try to watch at least one of my Christmas time movies (Home Alone, Grinch cartoon or Grinch Jim Carrey, While You Were Sleeping).

I normally like to decorate my house right after Halloween to maximize the time I get to see my decorations but this year was a little different. First of all, I have less room to display my decorations so I knew decorating would be a challenge that way. Secondly, Dexter is into everything so I was dreading putting stuff out for that reason (we opted not to put up a tree this year). Third, we didn't have snow for the longest time so I decided to wait until there was snow on the ground. Fourth, I was just lazy/not in the mood to decorate.  I finally decorated on December 2nd I believe, which is a full month later than usual for me. We always have a fake tree so I also like to have tree scented candles to burn as well.

Presents:

Say what you want about the materialism of Christmas but I love the presents aspect of the season. I love shopping for people, trying to figure out something they wouldn't treat themselves with that I could get them. Imagining the smiles on their faces. Looking at the neat gift ideas in the stores, the holiday music playing, shopping without guilt, and making notes of things I want to add to my wishlist. Buying beautiful wrapping paper and cute bags, attempting to wrap things (and doing a respectable job, but never a perfect job LOL). I like to see all those gifts under my tree glistening (as I like shiny paper) and looking gorgeous.

I like Chinese gift exchanges: where everyone brings one anonymously wrapped gift and you take turns unwrapping one or stealling one. It is a huge form of entertainment and the thrill of bringing the coveted gift is unbeatable - except by getting the one item you really want! I first started really enjoying this with Tyler's family as it is very large (usually 15-30 participants), and so it is literally hours of good natured fun, hijinxs, trickery and alliances. It's like "Survivior" for real life. The smaller the group, the more difficult to buy a gift and the less fun in my opinion.

We drew names this year amongst my family which has also turned out to be a really good thing. We set the limit a little higher ($100), and so for me, it was nice to shop with only 2 specific people in my mind (my mom & sister who are also the easiest to buy for) and have the challenge of the specific budget but also the guilt free shopping of knowing that was what you're suppose to do. We had wishlists, but they were either long enough or generic enough that I had direction but still some leeway to get what I wanted to. For example, my mom wanted nice sheets. So I was able to go out and investigate the different sheets available and then choose the best for her for the budget. I also went to the effort of getting a coupon, so that I got them for 20% off so that I could get her an additional gift but still be within the limit.

To be honest, I also love getting presents. Its fun to see what people think you'll enjoy and what items make them think of you. I am also never short on wants so its nice to be able to put my wish list out there and get some of those items. I look forward to the day when Dexter is old enough to understand this concept and can make me a present from the heart and I can hopefully be surprised by it.

Meals & Treats:

Food is of course, one of the loveliest parts of the holiday.  We get so many slow cooked, home cooked meals that we don't always make time for throughout the year. Turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, salads, brussel sprouts, stuffing! And all the yummy homemade baking, plus store bought chocolates, etc. With all that, it's easy to overindulge. If you can balance it just right, it's nice to enjoy the holiday food without having to deal with the overeating guilt later. Savor those favorite cookies or squares and don't feel obligated to eat the pie if you don't really enjoy it. Also, if you can freeze anything thing for later, it's nice to spread out the love.

My Grandma J (my dad's mom), doesn't have extra money to throw away, so she did a bunch of baking as our gift. That is SO awesome. She may think it's a "lesser" gift, but to me it is one of the best! Grandma cooked food is just so much better :-)

Family/Friends:

The very best part Christmas is that it "forces" us to take a break from the daily grind and spend time with our neglected family and friends. I'm very excited for the activities planned for our Christmas:

Dec 23- Christmas get together with Melody, Vanessa, Logan (Vanessa boyfriend), Dale (Melody's brother), and Cherry (Dale's girlfriend). We are doing potluck appetizers and treats, and hanging out, maybe playing some games.

Dec 24- Christmas at my Uncle Richard's. We don't spend nearly as much time with this part of my family as I would like so Christmas time is special. Last year I discovered that my Uncle and cousin Corey love Texas Hold 'Em so we are going to play poker that night as well as do a Chinese gift exchange. I haven't bought a gift for this one yet as I just found out about it about a week ago. The limit is $20 and it will be a tad challenging to buy for as we have a range of people involved: my cousin Corey is the youngest at 15 all the way up to his Grandpa Dennis who is I don't know how old. There isn't anything that is universally appealling to everyone (except maybe food), so I'll have to think about this one. We will also be doing some sort of potluck there as well.

Dec 25- We'll have Christmas morning at my parents with all the present opening. Like I said earlier we drew names, but my mom bought outside of this as well. Then we'll be going to my Grandma J's house to do the day and supper. My Grandma hasn't decorated for Christmas in 3 years and apparently is making up for it with a vengence. She lives on a farm and my mom says it looks like National Lapoon's Christmas out there LOL She decided to go crazy when she heard we were coming up with Dexter for Christmas so it's really sweet. She's a fabulous cook and baker and there'll be some other family out there as well so it'll make for a good time.

We are staying in Grimshaw for about a week, from the 21st - 28th. I'm hoping to get some visiting in with my Biological Contributor's family as well as some other friends and their babies while I'm there.

Dec 31- We are spending New Year's Eve with Tyler's mom, Tyrone, Dean (Mary's new old boyfriend) and possibly Kim & the kids if they grace us with their presence. We are doing a Chinese exchange with them and I have my gift bought. We haven't decided on food but I'm having a hankering for Chinese...

So with all that, how can you not love Christmas? I mean you can focus on all the negatives and how "commercialized" it is, or like anything you can take the parts you like and shuck the rest! I love it, how about you?

Doing something bold

When I first started with Facebook, I did what most do, which is try to get everyone you know to join and try to "friend" every person you've ever met (and some you haven't). Now, many years later, I find some of these "facebook friends" overpost and thus I miss posts somewhat relevant to me from actual friends and family.  So tonight, for some reason I'm getting around to doing something I should have done a long time ago...I'm deleting some peeps. It's kind of hard deciding who makes the cut. Some people I'd like to get rid of, but not at risk of hurting their feelings. Some I just don't care and they get cut right away. For the ones I'm not too sure about, I'm employing this tactic: did I make a face or slightly cringe when I read their name? If yes, then they must go. I should only read names of people who I am interested in hearing about and talking too!

At this point (on the letter "D"), I have 251 friends...let's see how many are remaining when I am done. Down to 189! Not too shabby, but still a bit high. I might be able to whittle it down in a few months.

Oh, if I delete someone, and they try to add me back, I'll probably accept.  Also, since I am doing it via laptop, there is always the possibility that I'll accidently delete someone LOL

7 Week Itch

I was doing pretty good in my MindBody program when I got the "7 week itch" (aptly named from the commonly referred to "7 year itch" in marriage). The things I had been doing well: meditating daily, exercising daily, choosing more healthful foods, journalling daily - stopped completely. It started with me feeling unwell on Thursday night. Tyler had been sick off and on for about a week, with Thursday being the worst,  so I decided to make some chicken soup. As I was making the soup I started getting the tall tale signs of achiness, tiredness,etc. We went to bed early that night and I awoke mostly better. Although I wasn't feeling "sick", I was really tired and very unmotivated. I decided to take another day off from working out and just rest. Well one day turned into the entire week. And since I wasn't feeling well I turned to old comforts: chips & chocolate, to make me feel better.

I went to my session on Wednesday, ready to be punished. How am I going to change without punishing myself for bad actions right? Well this was another bad habit that I need to change. Jen, my coach, is/was great. She walked me through the process of being aware of what I wasn't happy with, analyzing the situation to see if there were things I could do to be proactive for next time, and then leting it go and moving forward.

If I had done what I expected myself to do, which is beat myself up for my poor choices, I would likely just continue to spiral downward: I'm unhappy with my choices so I choose things that make me feel better short term, which makes me feel worse, so I continue reaching for those short term fixes.

Jen reminded me that I am here for the long term. And that it is actually a "good" thing that I made this mistakes as I actually felt uncomfortable making them. Whereas, 6 weeks ago, this behavior was my norm and I was very comfortable doing it. Discomfort means I am changing and my new comfort is my improved habits.

I believe that part of my resistance comes from the fact that the "mind" part of the scheduled program is over and the nutrition focus is beginning. I am very apprehensive when it comes to changing my eating habits. I find it overwhelming to think about all the ways I should be eating...again another bad habit! Things are overwhelming because I have an "all or nothing" mentality. But if I instead focus on implementing one change at a time (like how I recently switched to brown rice rather than white), they'll be long term positive changes. But when I ONLY implement one or two small changes, I feel as though I am copping out and not challenging myself enough. Not progressing enough. Not enough...

It's amazing how ingrained some of this negative thinking is for me. How automatic it is, and how I can be suffering from its impact without even being aware its happening. During my session Jen and I had a pretty deep conversation, where I had an emotional breakdown. We discussed how I have some self-worth issues and how I need to be aware that I deserve good health and fitness. My childhood wasn't horrible, but I do have some experiences with emotional and physcial abuse (in my eyes not intentional hurtful but no less damaging). My parents did the best they could with the tools they had, and it is not their "fault", but I didn't get everything I needed growing up (emotionally). Jen & I have this in common: we have a hard time admitting that our parents didn't give us everything we needed. They loved us, and we love them,  and it feels like a betrayal to write those words, but if I don't admit it, I can't move past it. So yes, my parents were stricter than I could handle, and sometimes they took their struggles in life out on me. In no means do I think it qualifies as "abuse", but I was/am a very tender spirit and even the smallest slights could cut deep into my emotional psyche.

I remember one Saturday morning, I'm not sure of my age or specifics like that, but I had slept late in the day (which was common for me the night owl), and my parents had had some sort of fight about it - how my dad thought it made me lazy and I guess my mom stood up for me. But then, when I awoke and was eating my rice krispies at the table, my mom had starting yelling at me about it and how it caused a fight and I believe she smacked me. I just remember crying, and feeling like a piece of crap because I had caused a fight, and continuing to eat my rice krispies with tears streaming down my face and into my bowl because I didn't know what else to do. Even as I type this story...a story I have never told to anyone, it makes me feel shame, sadness and I cry. I couldn't stop the tears then and I can't stop them now. Each emotion I felt then is still just as strong in this moment, at least 15 years later, and I cry both for the young teenage girl then (seemingly a seperate person).

But maybe this is what I need to do. Maybe I need to write up these dark, shameful moments. To release them and not let them haunt me anymore. There never seemed to be anyone I could share them with, and so I had to hold on to those feelings and the memories.

Jen pointed out that as an adult, we make choices whether or not to be in an abusive relationship...and that includes an abusive relationship with ourselves. I am my biggest critical, whereas I should be my biggest suppporter. Sometimes I am that supporter, but it's usually with a twinge of doubt and not always 100% authentic.

It is wonderfully amazing to me, how many supporters I have outside of myself. When y'all send me kind words and thoughts, they really do mean the world to me. Thank you all!