A Fork in the Road

Amongst the many changes that that come with losing Wentworth, is that the next year of my life has suddenly become open ended. I say a year, because if it's advisable and possible to get pregnant again, my due date is likely at least a year away. Timeline: I have to wait until January 30th to get information back from my doctor and that will be my 6 weeks post partum check-up. From there we may be able to start trying immediately or wait anywhere from the 3-6 months post partum mark depending on medical recommendations. There is also no guarantee how long conceiving will take, and gestation is generally 9 months.

So...originally I had planned to be at home with Dexter and Baby Boy #2 (I say it like that because we wouldn't have chosen the name Wentworth without this unique circumstance) for at least a year. Now, I don't know if I should continue to stay home with Dexter or pursue working outside the home or even from the home. I don't really have a problem staying busy at home between my Mommy Group, being a mom and being a wife. But the question is, am I emotionally & intellectually fulfilled by staying home? And is it financially feasible for me to stay at home right now?

Cons of going back to work:

-If Tyler is working then Dexter would be in a day home or day care. However, if Dexter gets sick then I would likely have to take time off of work to be home with him. Unless of course, I had some sort of back-up childcare like a possible other Mommy who was willing to take him when he's sick. SO, I'd have to find a job where they were willing to work with that. Not necessarily an easy task.

-Other than temping work, I haven't had a "job" since December 2007. That's a long time! It would be a huge adjustment to me to have to get up each morning, get myself and Dexter ready and be at work. It would also be a huge adjustment for me to be responsible to someone else with my time and energy. Not to mention the adjustment of learning rules, regulations, responsibilities, etc. I'm not sure if I'm up for that.

-It would really take a bite out of my Mommy Mingle social life, which I thoroughly enjoy. The majority of the playdates are during the weekday so we would no longer be able to attend those. I could always host weekend playdates myself, but I would definitely feel as though I am missing out as I wouldn't see my regular friends as much.

-The structure and socializing of child care for Dexter should mostly be positive. Though kids in day care tend to be sick more often from more exposure and I also run the risk of other people's morals influencing my child more than my own. Boo on that. It's also a possibility that Dexter could pick up the other kids' bad habits.

Pros of going back to work:

-Money obviously. Though numbers would have to be crunch on child care vs. salary to see exactly how much I actually would be bringing in.

-Emotional fulfillment of socializing on a daily basis with other adults. I do get a lot of this from my friends right now, but it may be nice to expand my social circle. However, socializing with other Mom's and their families is a lot more complimentary to our life right now (i.e. it's less stressful to have my kid at someone's house who has kids than a single person's).

-Intellectual/mental fulfillment: I really miss some of the mundane work I did and the resulting ego boost it gave me. I've always enjoyed change and learning new things and contributing to 'society' in a measurable way (mommyhood is so overlooked and underappreciated). For the most part I feel like I have excelled at each job I have held and made many positive relationships within each job so working has usually be a positive experience.

-Structure wise, it has been good for me to have a job. I tend to be more efficient and productive people. The old adage that busy people get things done is true for me.

At the end of the day, it is way too soon for me to make any decisions. I worry that I'll choose something (such as work) just to fill the void that has been created and that might not be a good thing. I want to make the decision being truly behind it, because I don't want to regret it two weeks down the road and then have the backlash that would come with that (burnt bridges, lost deposits or payments, etc).

Pet Peeve

I frequently talk about how Dexter is such a busy & inquisitive child. From observing other kids in my group, his behavior seem normal, but I still sometimes find it exhausting as I'm more of a passive person and so is Tyler. What irritates me is when people feel the need to say things like "just wait soon you'll have two of them" or "how will you handle two?"

First of all, I am not popping out another toddler. Babies, while needy, are very good at staying on one place & not getting into everything. When baby #2 grows to Dexter's age, Dexter will be older and hopefully past the crazy toddler busy-ness though I'm sure onto other adventures.

Secondly, each child is unique with their own personalities and quirks. While we just may get a Dexter carbon copy, it is more likely that he'll have his own temperament and new challenges to go with it.

Thirdly, I am anxious enough about how our lives are changing again and how I'm going to need to learn, grow and adapt again. I don't need other people's negativity to add to that, especially when it's too late to change our minds! Luckily a few of my friend have had second babies and all appear to be not only surviving but enjoying themselves as well. I remember a time when I had no kids and was completely baffled by how I would add a child to the mix. We did it once successfully!

Irritable New Dynamics

Tyrone (my brother-in-law) has a new girlfriend, Bobbie. I met her for the first time this summer and have seen her on a few occasions now. She's nice enough but something about her drives me crazy. I find her immature acting, and quite negatively opinionated. Tyrone calls her down a lot and she allows it, which I'm not cool with. Then this weekend and last weekend I've noticed that she interferes with my parenting which drives me bananas. If I am in the room, it is up to me to tell my child when he can and cannot do. If we are at Mary's house then she is qualified to intervene as well, but Tyrone and Bobbie are not welcome to say "Dexter don't touch that" "Finish your supper" or "You have to ask for that".

For a time, Tyrone was getting to a point where he wasn't so condescending and bossy, where I could tolerate him. Well he is right back to where I can't stand him anymore. We were meant to host a Christmas party today with Kyla, Shelley & families but due to the weather they couldn't make it. I decided to invite Mary, Tyrone & Bobbie over as they were all in Edmonton so supper wouldn't go to waste. I found myself being rude in that I could barely hold a conversation with Bobbie and Tyrone nor make eye contact with them because they were so irritating. For Christmas this year we are set up to share a cabin with them for four days! I'm not sure I'll be able to handle it. They've also invited us for New Year's but there is no way I'll be able to tolerate them so soon after...plus that's not how I want to spend my New Year's!!

Bonus Ultrasound: 32 Weeks

Baby boy is head down but sunny side up (same as Dexter, which causes painful back labour) - hopefully I can get him to flip the other way. He measured about 4 lbs which she said is in the 50% percentile - perfectly average! What I found weird is she said he measured 33 weeks 6 days, by my count I was 32 weeks. She said something about me being in my 33 week? Who knows...anyway, we'll see if it impacts baby's arrival date or not.

Funny Story - FitzGerald

Having the last name "Johnson" always seemed lame to me as its very generic. As a high schooler I dreamed of marrying into a more interesting and regal last name, often giving the example of "FitzGerald". Well tonight I was googling various things trying to find potential boys names, when I came across an interesting fact. Apparently the "fitz" in FitzGerald denotes a child that is illegitimate in the royal family meaning born out of wedlock. So, all this time I've been holding this name in prestige when realistically the opposite is true. So funny!

Doc Appt Updates & Bonus Ultrasound

I found out at my last appointment that I would be getting another ultrasound a few weeks from that one, but my doctor was so rushed as usual that I didn't get a chance to recover from my surprise and ask why. Since I'm on 2 week appointments now I was able to ask today. Apparently it's fairly routine to check on the baby's weight at 32 weeks. I've never known it to be, but I'm not complaining as I love ultrasounds: another peek at my baby! So on November 29 @ 9:45am I will hopefully be getting a few more pics for the scrapbook :-)

On a negative note, I was sad to step on the scale today & be at my pre-pregnancy weight. I had managed to drop a few pounds in my first trimester but apparently they are all back now. I am at 30 weeks, so with 8-12 more weeks to go I imagine I will continue to put on a few more pounds...especially with it being the Christmas season and I with no plans to withstain from the goodies available. So far my jeans and everything still fit so hopefully that means it's all going to baby belly and not my ass and thighs :-P

I also asked what the doctor's overdue procedure was. She said if I was 8-10 days over (Feb 1 - 3), then we would talk about inducing. At this point I am not opposed to a February baby so I guess we'll see what happens. It's just interesting how the procedures vary, because in Red Deer I left my 40 week appointment (2 days early - Sept 18) with a scheduled induction for 10 days later.

I'm Getting a Doula!

After changing plans several times over several months, we finally met up with a potential doula last week. She is in training, so she is charging me a very reasonable sum of $150. Normally her package would include a prenatal appointment, the day of labour and a post partum visit. Since we live in Leduc (she's in Sherwood Park - 20 to 30 minutes away) and she's giving us a bit of a discount I am waiving the prenatal appointment. We can do everything over email and phone. I may end up waiving the post partum visit as well if everything is going well.

What will Abby's role be as my doula? She basically explained to us that she will be there for us in anyway we need. My goal is to balance laboring at home as long as possible to save my energy and be comfortable with getting to the hospital in time to get an epidural.

With Dexter, I went to the hospital way too soon - six hours before they would admit me for active labor (3-4 cm dialated). In retrospect I wasted a lot of energy trying to get my labor to progress when it was the middle of the night (midnight to 6am) and I should have been trying to sleep/rest as much as possible. When I was ready to go home and go to sleep for a while, that's when they admitted me and my long journey "began".

I am hoping that Abby will be able to provide support to Tyler & I with how to labour 'comfortably' at home and then direct us when best to head to the hospital. She has a variety of positions that we will practise before hand to use, said she would draw me a bath if I want and hopefully just keep me calm and focused.  

Once at the hospital, if all goes well and the epidural is effective the whole time, she will take pictures for us of the delivery (all PG for public viewing or less than PG if we so choose) and our experience which will be a great memento to have. I am also going to do the placenta encapsulation, so she will be one more person in the room who can keep an eye on it and make sure we get it 'to go' without any intervention on the medical staff's part (i.e. they usually throw them out &/or put them in chemicals). She said she can even deliver the placenta for me to the encapsulator if I would like.

If the epidureal isn't effective, or for some reason we can't get one, then I will rely on her to help us through.  All in all, I think the value is definitely there and Tyler seemed pretty excited about booking her too.