For the last, oh I don't know, maybe month or so, I've been thinking about Wentworth more, focusing on the loss a lot more and just generally being sad about it. It's been mentioned to me that perhaps its because his birthday (or do I call it his death anniversary) is coming up. That could be it I suppose, but that seems too literal.
Thinking about it now, it could be the holiday season that has me in this frame of mind. I didn't anticipate "being over" the loss, but I had hoped to at least be prego by now so that I could stop feeling the hole so much. There are a few babies in my life that make me ache in different ways. One friend has such a beautiful outlook with her babe, laughing off such hardships as multiple night times wakes, and genuinely bursting with love for her baby. It's that authentic, pure happiness that I am jealous of - especially so as I know even if I had a 'normal' experience with Wentworth that probably wouldn't be me. I'm too sarcastic and tainted. ;-)
My other ache, is a negative one. It stems from my BIL and his baby mama with their new babe. Their (somewhat) innocent display of parent pride makes me furious. A simple Facebook picture post irritates the hell out of me and their delusional outlook of perfection makes me insane. Just now, in this emotional late hour, I cannot fathom spending the holidays with them as they may inadvertently hurt my feelings with a naive comment.
I really don't understand this all. I enjoy emotionally balanced people and I strive to be one. I worked very hard to be more emotionally mature and controlled in my 20s and this feels so out of control and irrational. In this moment, my emotions feel very close to as strong as the first week after losing Wentworth - so fresh! I think I'm going to sign off and search for some answers via google and some message boards.
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